Robert , 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25-year-old . . Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Robert should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Robert, her 85-year-old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Robert takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Robert, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly-weds are done, Robert kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it Robert is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Robert gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Robert.' Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?' The moral of the story: Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.
Shamelessly copied from the Chelsea board. > Teacher to class: "what does your dad do at wkends?" Little boy: "He"s a dancer in a gay bar and sometimes if the moneys good he has sex wiv the punters, he'll let them do anything they want. Teacher takes him aside , ''Is that true''... Little boy '' nah miss its bollox, he plays for Hull Tigers but im too embarrassed to say .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................... > My wife came home from Work to find me sitting watchin the football. "I've decided to leave you, all you do is talk bout football you think bout nothing else'' she said and im seeing someone else'' ''realy ?'' i said, ''what team does he support'' .................................................. .................................................. .............................. > I had a car crash the other day.A dwarf got out the other car.I said to him ''are you o.k''. he said ''im not happy''.So I said to him ''which one are you then'' __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ _____________________________ > Husband says to his wife tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time" wife replies ''ok, you've got a bigger knob than your brother !! > '''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''' '''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''' '''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''' '''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''' '''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''' '''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''' ''''''''''' > A man walks into a crowded bar with a loaded gun and shouts ''who,s been ****in my wife''? Suddenly, a voice in the back shouts 'you aint got enough bullets !! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- >2 indian junkies snorted curry powder instead of cocaine Both were rushed to hospital ones in a korma the other's got a dodgy tikka ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- >Bought the wife a fur coat made out of 3,600 hamster skins and took her to Blackpool... Couldn't get the ****er off the Big Wheel for 2 ****in days .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. ......................................... > I don't know about you but I personally felt uncomfortable watching the women's weightlifting as the commentator was saying "some women's snatches are cleaner then others'' .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. ................................................ > Paddy is painting his lounge,his wife walks in and says "your doin a realy good job,but why are you wearing a leather jacket AND a parker !" Paddy says '' HELLLOOOO! read the fuggin tin, it says for best results put two coats on !!!'' ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- > Some bloke was playing a game wiv his wife. She had to guess the flavour of the condom, she couldn't wait t get started....down she goes & shouts '' Cheese n Onion'' he says '' give us a fuggin chance i aint got one on yet'' .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. ................... > The other day I came home early from work to find my wife spread out on our bed vigorously awaiting my sexual advances. The poor girl was so horney for me she never even realised my mate Dave was under the bed looking for a DVD he lent me
An Australian ventriloquist visiting Wales walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to a local, morning, mind if I talk to your dog?' Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.' Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?' Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.' taff: (look of extreme shock) Ventriloquist: 'Is taff your owner?' (pointing at the Villager) Dog: 'Yep' Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?' Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.' taff: (look of utter disbelief) Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?' taff: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think.' Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?' Horse: 'Cool' taff: (absolutely dumbfounded) Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager) Horse: 'Yep' Ventriloquist: How does he treat you? Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements..' taff: (total look of amazement) Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?' taff: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f..ken liar.
Teacher asks little Jonny what he got up to in the holidays. "It were great Miss", replies little Jonny. "Me an' me brother spent the summer sticking bangers up frogs arses". "Rectum, Jonny. Rectum" gasped the shocked teacher. "Wrecked 'em, Miss?" Cried little Jonny. "You're not ****ing kidding. It blew them to ****ing pieces!"
The sheep was Australian as well. Quite obvious when you think about it and talking of which; Bruce( the Australian farm hand) is driving along a dusty road towards town where he intends on supping a few ice cold VB's. As he's tootling along he sees his mate and fellow farm hand, Merv, walking along the road with a sheep under each arm. Bruce pulls along side Merv and winds his window down. He then points to the sheep and says, " Ya shearin' ?" Merv, without breaking stride replies, " Nah mate, I'm f**kin' em both" I'm here all week.
Three times I'm 23 and I'm a twice a night maximum chap. First time's always rough and quick, second go's a bit more sensual 'cos the wimmen like that. Or sumfink. Plus I'm not ready to spaff my beans after 30 seconds.
That Man Utd fan who phoned up 999 and asked to speak to Alex Ferguson. Best joke by far. When he was asked to report a crime he said ""I would like to report Manchester Utd"". Lol
Does anyone have a van for sale?? I'd like to buy one for Roy Cropper as someone told me his Tranny died on him last week..............
