Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.."
JEFF FOXWORTHY ON MUSLIMS Funny that it's ok to make jokes about Catholics, the Pope, Jews, Christians, the Irish, the Italians, the Polish etc etc,. . . . but its insensitive to make jokes about Muslims. The sooner we are all on same level playing field, the better. Jeff Foxworthy on Muslims: 1. If you refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor, You may be a Muslim. 2. If you own a $3,000 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes, You may be a Muslim. 3. If you have more wives than teeth, You may be a Muslim. 4. If you wipe your bum with your bare hand but consider bacon to be unclean, You may be a Muslim. 5. If you think vests come in two styles: Bullet-proof and suicide. You may be a Muslim 6. If you can't think of anyone you haven't declared jihad against, You may be a Muslim. 7. If you consider television dangerous but routinely carry explosives in your clothing, You may be a Muslim. 8. If you were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs, You may be a Muslim. 9. If you have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four, You may be a Muslim. 10. If you find this offensive or racist and don't forward it, You may be a Muslim.
On the way home from golf this morning, I popped into the bottle shop to buy two cartons of my favourite beer, Tuatara Pilsener. I placed the beer on the front seat and headed back home. I stopped at a petrol station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump. She glanced at the cartons of beer bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, handsome. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?" ... I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer 'ya got?"
I was driving to work the other day when my boss phoned to say that i had just been promoted to a supervisor.... 10 minutes later he phoned again to say that i had been promoted to Head of Department.... 20 minutes later he phoned again to say that i had been promoted again to Managing Director.....I was so shocked that i drove the car into a tree at the side of the road. When the police arrived they asked what happened.....I told them that I had careered off the road.....
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values. Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?' Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
Grandma's Advice A young girl was going on a date. Her Nanna said: 'Sit here ana let me tell you about a young boy. He's agonna try and kiss you, you are agonna like that, but don't let him do that. He's agonna try and kiss your breasts, you are agonna like that too, but don't let him do that . But most important, he's agonna try and lay on top of you, you are agonna really like that, but don't let him do that for sure. Doing that will disgraze our family. With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date. The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted: 'And Nanna, I didn't let him disgrace our family as you said. When he tried to lay on top of me, I just rolled him over got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family!' Nanna fainted!!
Australian Love Poems Of course I love ya darlin You're a bloody top-notch bird And when I say you're gorgeous I mean every single word So ya bum is on the big side I don't mind a bit of flab It means that when I'm ready There's somethin' there to grab So your belly isn't flat no more I tell ya, I don't care So long as when I cuddle ya I can get my arms round there No Sheila who is your age Has nice round perky breasts They just gave in to gravity But I know ya did ya best I'm tellin' ya the truth now I never tell ya lies I think it’s very sexy That you've got dimples on ya thighs I swear on me nanna's grave now The moment that we met I thought you was as good as I was ever gonna get No matter what u look like I'll always love ya dear Now shut up while the cricket’s on And fetch another beer Brings a lump to your throat doesn't it!!
A thoughtful Scotsman is heading out to the pub. He turns to his wife before leaving and says ”Maggie, put your hat and coat on, lassie.” She says “Awe Jock, that’s nice, are you taking me tae the pub with you?” “Nae,” Jock replies “I’m switching the heater off while I’m out.”
A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story. After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied: Your Honor,when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?'
3 old blokes 60/70 and 80 were playing golf and during the round they got around to discussing the problems with ageing. The 60 year old says "just cant pee I stand there forever with just a dribble coming out - bloody awful" The 70 year old says '' well I just cant dump - I take laxatives but I just sit there for hours just doing nuggets - nightmare" The 80 year old chimes in with "well at 5am I have an almighty slash comes out like a firemans hose - then at 6 oclock I take this massive dump its more than an elephant can do" . The other two exchange a quizzical look and one says " well what the friggin problem with that you lucky bugger?" to which the 80 year old replies "Don't wake up till 7"
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.' 'Sure,' they said, 'You're welcome.' So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?' 'I'm a hit man,' was the reply. 'You're joking!' was the response. 'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. 'Here are my tools.' 'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.' So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. 'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window.' 'Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom.. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her......He's naked, too!!! Fuming, he turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?' 'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.' 'Can you do two for me now?' 'Sure, what do you want?' 'First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.' 'Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.' The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. 'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently. 'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I can save you a grand here.....'
Confucius Say: It's OK to let a fool kiss you; but don't let a kiss fool you. Confucius Say: A kiss is just shopping upstairs for downstairs merchandise. Confucius Say: It is better to lose a lover than love a loser. Confucius Say: Man with a broken condom is called a Daddy. Confucius Say: Man who mix Viagra and Ex-Lax doesn't know if he's coming or going. Confucius Say: A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts. Confucius Say: Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, and you lose interest. Confucius Say: Viagra is like Disneyland ... a one-hour wait for a 2-minute ride. Confucius Say: It is much better to want the mate you do not have than to have the mate you do not want
Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom Using the urinals. One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicobate patch on it. He looks at the other priest and says, 'I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis.' The other one replies, 'It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day.'
A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
