Just got stopped by a junkie smelling of booze and ****, no surprise what he what he wanted, a quid for "the bus." I took my wallet out and his face lit up. However, instead of pulling out money a took out a jonny that has been in there since a was about 18 and told him to go **** himself instead. Merry Christmas asshole anyone got any more ?
Fell asleep with a cookie last night. I woke up feeling crumby. Fell asleep on the train tracks the night after. I woke up with a split-personality.
A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of badgers. He pulls the guy over and says... "You can't drive around with badgers in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately." The guy says "OK"... and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of badgers, and they're all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands... "I thought I told you to take these badgers to the zoo yesterday?" The guy replies... "I did . . . today I'm taking them to the beach. I'm here all week.
What's the difference between a gay guy and a fridge? The fridge doesn't fart when you take the meat out...
Just bought a new Manchester United sledge. I've never gone down hill so fast. What do you call a Welshman with a stick up his arse? A taffy apple. Just seen lots of dyslexics laying down flowers at the local Nissan main dealer.
Sad news at the Nestlé factory today. A member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate fell more than 50 feet, crushing him underneath. He tried to call for help, but every time he shouted "the milky bars are on me" everyone cheered!!!
A guy enters a bar,carrying a Croc. Says to the punters - " Here's a deal. I'll open the Croc's mouth, & place my genitals inside. The Croc will close It's mouth - for 1 minute. Then open it & I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, Everyone buys drinks." The crowd agrees T he guy drops his his yakkas & puts it in the Crocs mouth. After a minute , the guy grabs a beer bottle & bangs it on the top of the head. The Croc opens It's mouth & he removes his nakkas unscathed. Every 1 buys him a drink. Then he says " I'll pay a 100 bucks whos willing to give it a go" After a while a hand goes up at the back of the bar. It's a Woman. "Ill give it a go , she says, but ya got to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
Two Aussie Drovers standing at an Outback bar. 1 says " Oi M8 Whattaya up 2" - His m8 replies- I'm going to Drive 6000 From Goondiwindi to Gympie - The 1st 1 says " Oh What route are ya taking..." Drover - replies , "Tha Missus probably , Well she did stick by me through the drought."
An Aussie farm hand is driving towards town when he sees his mate walking up the road with a sheep under each arm. "Alright Bruce, ya shearin' ?" He calls out. " Na mate, I'm ****ing 'em both" Came the reply.
I've had enough of Xmas. All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kid asks for. And what happens Xmas morning ? That fat ****er with a beard gets all the credit !!!! ............ Still I suppose it's my fault for marrying her .......
