Texas Sex‏ -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Texas Sex‏ Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favourite sex positions. One said, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I don't think I have ever heard of that one." said the other cowboy, "What is it?" "Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's." "Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds." oldie but a bump to save hunting for this thread as its still not a sticky yet
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and A smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the End, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking. Arlene: What in the hell is that? Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Arlene: Where did you get it? Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy. The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and Announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what Brand of condom she prefers. 'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.' The pharmacist fainted A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed. ‘Just where the heck do you think you’re going!’, said the man. ‘I’m going to Las Vegas’, said the wife, ‘I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free! ‘The man said, ‘Wait a minute!’, and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand. ‘Where the heck are you going?’, said the wife. The man said, ‘I want to see how you’re gonna live on $800 a year! On Monday morning the Postman is walking through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Dave, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and spirit bottles for the recycling bin. 'Wow Dave, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman comments. Dave, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun an...d It got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.' The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?' 'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet.. Then the women try to guess who it is.' The Postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun. I'm sorry I missed that.' 'Probably a good thing you did,' Dave responded. 'Your name came up seven times. http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnet_classics/a1875847-Do-you-dunk-your-penis
An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked. The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare some victuals?" he asked. The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted. "Could I have a pint of ale?" "No!" she shouted. "Could I at least sleep in your stable?" "No!" she shouted again. The vagabond said, "might I please...?" "What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish. "De'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?"
A few jokes for you -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Yorkshire Regiment soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a chemists. Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, then unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds - to reveal a condom. The condom has a number of patches on it. The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically. "How much to repair it?' The Yorkie asks the chemist. "Six pence" says the chemist. "How much for a new one?" "Ten pence" says the chemist. The Yorkie painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran, and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging. A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout. The soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face. "The regiment has taken a vote," he says. - - - “We'll have a new one." A guy goes to his Dr complaining of badly sunburnt legs. The Dr looks at him and prescribes Viagra. The guy looks confused and asks the doc "What good will that do my sunburnt legs?" The Dr replies "It will keep the bed sheets off your legs at night" A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings. "Mommy," said the little boy, "what are all those ladies doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off of work," she replied. The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? Their hookers. They have sex with men for money." The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, mommy?" His mother, glaring at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative. After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mommy what happens to the babies those ladies have?" "They become cab drivers," she replied. Reaching its cruising altitude, the captain announced: 'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Bangkok. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and..... OH, MY GOD !' Silence followed! Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom. 'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!' One Irish passenger yelled... 'For ****'s sake ........ you should see the back of mine!!!' An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3. I'm a six-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?" The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "Well no! Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times." I went to see a Muslim tribute band last night. They were called "Bomb Jovi." They were bloody brilliant! Their last song "Living on a prayer mat" almost brought the house down!!! Then, this Muslim bloke I was stood near, said he had the entire Koran on DVD. I was interested so I asked him... " Can you burn me a copy?" Well, that was when all the ****ing trouble started!!!! The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked, “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?” Maria: “Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze. The first is that I iron better than you.” Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?” Maria: “Jor huzban, he say so.” Wife: “Oh yeah?” Maria: “The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you.” Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?” Maria: “Jor huzban did” Wife increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he?” Maria: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed.” Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, “And did my husband say that as well?” Maria: “No Señora… The gardener did.” Wife: “So how much do you want?” Just been up in the attic and found a copy of the 1978 Radio Times... Or as its now known, the Sex Offenders Register!
Sex after death..... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all. After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact. " Marion .... Marion " "Is that you, Bob?" "Yes, I've come back like we agreed." "That's wonderful! What's it like?" "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again" "Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?" v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v "No -- I'm a rabbit in Gower ” .
Favourite Film ?? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: Movie test This is pretty damn amazing. Mine turned out to be "Raiders of the Lost Ark". I was surprised how this worked. Be honest and don't look at the movie list till you have done the math! Try this test and find out what movie is your favorite. This amazing math quiz can likely predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the most. Don't ask me how, but it really works! Movie Test: Pick a number from 1-9. Multiply by 3. Add 3. Multiply by 3 again. Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favorite movie in the list of 18 movies below. Movie List: 1. Gone With The Wind 2. E.T. 3. Beverly Hills Cop 4. Star Wars 5. Forrest Gump 6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly 7. Jaws 8. Grease 9. The Joy of Anal Sex With A Sheep 10. Casablanca 11. Jurassic Park 12. Shrek 13. Pirates of the Caribbean 14. Titanic 15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark 16. Home Alone 17. Mrs. Doubtfire 18. Toy Story Now, ain't that something.....?
THE OLDER WOMAN [Be very careful] I ended up with an older woman at a pub last night. ... She looked OK for a 61 year-old. In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a bit, had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I’d ever had a ‘Sportsman’s Double’. “What’s that?” I asked, thinking maybe a beer and whisky mix. “A mother and daughter threesome,” she said. I said “No”, excitedly,...”Never had one of those.” We drank some more, then she said that tonight was my ‘lucky night’. So we went back to her place. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs, “Mum, you still awake?”
The Dying Priest -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- In a London Nursing Home an old Priest lay dying. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation’s capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near. “Yes Father?” said the nurse. “I would really like to see David Cameron and Nick Clegg before I die” whispered the Priest. “I’ll see what I can do Father” replied the nurse. The nurse sent the request to No 10 and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived; David and Nick would be delighted to visit the Priest. As they went to the hospital, David commented to Nick, “I don’t know why the old Priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images”... Nick agreed that it was the right thing to do at this time. When they arrived at the Priest’s room, the Priest took David’s hand in his right hand and then Nick’s hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old Priest’s face. The old Priest slowly said: “I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.” “Amen” said David “Amen” said Nick The old priest continued, “Jesus died between two lying thieving bastards; and I would like to do the same”....
Are you for real? It's a joke. Besides, it either picked up the vibrations with the things on it's head or that planet had some kind of atmosphere
I'm always in awe of how adept my wife is at plucking her eyebrows. Just last night she managed the first four chords of Smoke on the Water
An Irishman & a Mercedes -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant who knows absolutely nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is. "Top of the mornin' toyer, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. "What are those?, asks the attendant. "They're called tees" replies Tiger. "Well, what on this god's earth are dey for?"? inquires the Irishman. "They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger. "Jaysus", says the Irishman, "Mercedes thinks of everything!". -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A female dentist prepared the needle to give a man with the toothache an anaesthetic injection. “No way! No needles, I hate needles!” the guy said. So the dentist started to hook up her nitrous oxide gas and the man objected again. “I can’t do the gas thing either. The thought of having the gas mask on my face makes me faint!” She then asked the bloke if he has any objection to taking a pill. “No objection,” the patient said. “I'm fine with pills.” When she returned she said, “Here's a Viagra tablet and a glass of water.” The man said, “Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!” "It doesn't” she said, “But it’ll give you something to hold on to while I pull out your tooth."
Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees. Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?' Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex. Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement. Dad says, 'So what were you watching?' Billy says, ' Wimbledon!
Rare Disease.... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- While in China , an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his *enis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I've got bad news for you, you've contracted *****lian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here in the US , we know very little about it.” The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.” the doctor answers, “I'm sorry, there's no known cure, we're going to have to amputate your *enis.” the man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!” the doctor replies, “Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only option.” The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his *enis and proclaims, “Ah, yes, *****lian VD. Vewy ware disease.” The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my *enis!” The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid American docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!” “Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims. “Yes”, says the Chinese doctor. “Wait two week. Faw off by itself...!”
Scots Dentist -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Glasgow man phones a dentist to enquire about the cost for a tooth extraction " £85 pounds for an extraction, sir" the dentist replied. " £85 quid! Huv ye no'got anythin' cheaper?" "That's the normal charge," said the dentist. "Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anaesthetic?" "That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and would knock £15 pounds off." "Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without any anaesthetic?" "I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price could drop by £20 pounds." "How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, ave yer student do the extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin'?" "It'll be good for the students", mulled the dentist. "I'll charge you £5 pounds but it will be traumatic." "Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman. "Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?"
