Re-Invention of the Gentlemans Club. For Gentlemen + Gentlewomen wearing man garments

Good sirs and those pretending to be sirs (but bereft of sirdom and the ability to do helicopters... weeeeeeeee!!!),

Tonight's gentlemanly topic passed before your monocled consideration revolves around the typical gentlemanly pursuit of "courting". The fairer sex (unless you happen to live in Sweden... ahhhh... Sven...) often partake in rather crude discussion of the soonest possible moment to frequent booty-town from the genesis of romance, and it is sincerely time us gentlemen engaged in such joyous abandon, and got down to the serious debate about when it is appropriate to lend a lady our man-flower, our daffodil-end, our petal-pleasurer...

From my gentlemanly point of view, I think anybody who disturbs the peace in a lady garden before the end of the 18th date precisely is a despicable man-slut...

Yours with warmest gentlemanly regards...

Lord Percy Walter Gandalf III

 

Sorry, I know not of what you talk about.

 

If they've not got their drawers off by the time they're half way down the first drink then they must be frigid and not worthy of a good seeing to.

Call me old fashioned but the primal instincts of a gentleman must be adhered to whether she's a fire breathing, meths swilling old boiler who rolls her own tabs in the cheeks of her arse or indeed the model of innocence and virtue.

I bid you farewell to ponder the behaviour of a gentleman who's dished out enough knob on first dates to make a handrail round the British Isles.

 

In the art of courting, a true gentleman must remain patient and Honourable. If one finds his true love, one should spend around one year of courtship before so mush as kissing. if all goes well, then the gentleman may seek permission from the lady's father to request her hand in marriage. If accepted, then the two may be officially joined together. Only then, after the wedding ceremony may the two indulge in their two minutes of 'missionary position' grunting and groaning. In some cases, this act may be repeated at least twice more throughout the duration of the marriage, but not in all cases.

Of course, being so patient and honourable is very difficult for us gentlemen. There are other forces tempting us to move faster and giving us urges which could ruin this loving relationship. That is why it is important that throughout the period of courtship with the lady, all good gentlemen should bang the hell out of the house maid, to stave off these urges and maintain his gentlemanly ways.

 

I'm wearing my tie .... may I come in?

 

No ties allowed.

 

Then maybe I will have to do a Ladies club

 

What will you wear there?

 

Just the tie ? Right this way

 

Possibly the most gentlemanly utterance the world has ever tipped their top hat too. Bravo! I propose an immediate alliance with the newly formed Ladies Club

To be granted entrance to this most exclusive of clubs, one must be prepared to adhere to our most secret and strict by-laws. Unfortunately, I can't tell you what they are until you join... we probably should of thought about that policy more...

However, here is a snippet of our publicly available code;

- New members are referred to as "Maidens" until such time their accruement of gentlemanly valour dictates full use of the gentleman title and complimentary handcrafted cane with a "Carry On..." scene scorched into the top.

- All disputes not ended by the "whom has a finer moustache" hierarchy are settled with a duel... The winner must report back in as honourable a fashion as possible that they have blown the other chap's brains out, so that we may all lend our gentlemanly commiserations to the winner, for killing so fine a member... In addition, Jim will fly at half-mast for an afternoon in the losers honour. I am sure you can appreciate the difficulty and thus significance for so randy a gentleman.

- Our most bitter foes include; the 21st Century, the abandonment of plans to perform a handshake at half-time during the course of a standard length football game (and three times every twenty minutes during the course of a "kick-around" with friends in the garden), lesbian couples without a gentlemanly inclined member amongst the pairing, our own dignity, and the Aztecs... they know what they did.

 

Who confirms that they are indeed maidens?

 

I have to do a thorough check. sometimes it can take more than seven attempts before being certain.

 

As no gentleman would dare peek at a maiden's modesty, even when confronted with exposed passing bosoms in the highstreet, we must either construct the greatest super-computer the world has ever known (mwahahahahahahaha) or rely on something sexless to make an objective judgement.

With the latter in mind, I put forward God. Seeing as God is no gentleman, owing to the fact God has never enclosed to the Earth's populace (even the gentlemanly bretheren) signed notification pre-empting major disasters according to gentlemanly 101, God must be a woman or sexless. While it is perfectly plausible that she-God has shown no interest in striking up dialogue because she was too busy bitching about us behind our back for the last few billion years, there is the indisputable evidence that she-God shows a distinct lack of the ability to multi-task (a woman's most deadly and seductive trait), given that she-God is apparently responsible for picking up Cisse, Ba, Pirlo etc and deciding whether or not they score each week, yet let's famines, dictatorships and factory collapses occur elsewhere... Therefore, logically and rationally, she-God cannot exist, and thus if God is not a gentleman, and is not a she, it must be sexless. Let us pray...

 

Aha! Have I stumbled across the not606 Bible, Gandalf 2014 edition.
Like the 10 commandments, will this be written in stone?

 

Is there an Age limit to be a Gentleman???

 

Well if Agent Bruce is in then I guess there isn't an upper limit.

 

Obi wouldn't know because he isn't a Gentleman.

 

There's no room for Sith Lords in the Gentlemans club though Darth.

 

I'll have you know sir that I am indeed extremely gentlemanly. Now take that back!

 

I hope you gentlemen will forgive my presumption for creating an alternative club to be a quiet area for the fairer sex








..... away from your course subjects & manly persuits