Wedding Advice

I'm away to my cousins (girl) wedding tomorrow and was just wondering if Toon Not606er's had any advice on what to do/what not to do.
I'm not in any position of importance really just a family guest but I'm very close with my other cousin who is making a speech before the meal. Obviously he will have 99% of this worked out but I'm sure the wisdom of this board could provide something of sheer brilliance he will have to include it!!

 

My brothers wedding; his best mate (and best man) suggested that he'd seen him naked more often than the new wife and hoped it would long continue, announced that he was now single and fancied at least 2 of the bridesmaids (giving out his room number and hinting that he had enough money to pay for an extensive session on room service).

 

did he get any luck?

 

That reminds me of a best man's speech line...


Best Man:..So I hope you have a great time on your honeymoon in Wales
Bride/Groom: We're not going to Wales?
Best Man: That's funny, I thought you said you were going to Bangor for two weeks?

 

My Dad got re-married and i was the best man. After several whiskey's later, my turn to do the speech. I was so twatted i cannot remember any of it and even mentioned my Mum a few times in the best mans speech, not the best thing to do.....

 

Bangor for two weeks?

We didn't wish to know that!

 

Both of them.

The bastard.

 

Been best man for my three brothers and a cousin, always the best man never the bridegroom.

Always had a heavy session at the stag night so managed to stumble my way through everything without any embarrassment. Might have been different if I'd been sober.

 

Never fight with the grooms boss......happened to me last Saturday!!! He started it, I finished it!!! lol

 

I included the line in a best man speech for my mate which went down a storm:

Me: I did think of inviting some of <grooms> ex-girlfriends to the wedding this afternoon
Audience: Tense
Me: But since the outbreak of foot n mouth, they've all be quaranteened or shot!

Went down well!

 

fair play to him though, quality effort.

 

Quality

 

I had to stop both my brothers the night before the wedding from killing each other.

I'd finished work at 6pm, drove all the way to the hotel and finally arrived at about 11pm.

Checked in, threw the bags into the room and went down for a well deserved pint.

Just as the beer is placed in front of me, I get a tap on the shoulder and it's the best man telling me that there is a bit of trouble going on upstairs and would I mind helping.

I'm thinking that someone has passed out and needs to be carried to bed.

The lift door opens and there are both my brothers in the landing trying to smash each other in the heads with fire extinguishers.

Bollock both of them; send them to their rooms and lo and behold, the soon to be wife's cousin comes storming in wanting to kill one of my brothers. A cuff round the back of the head, a kick up the arse in the right direction with explicit instructions not to piss me off any further and the issue was resolved.

Downstairs to enjoy the beer and the bloody bar was shut

 

Reminds me of the very nervous groom panicking about his speech.

His best man advised him not to worry about forgetting to thank people as long as he remembered to thank his new mother and father in law for the wonderful cake and and aunty Mavis for the coffee perculator.

Then comes the big day.

Groom " I'd like to thank you all for making it such a great day, but special thanks must go to Aunty Mavis for the cake and my new mum and dad in law for the wonderful perky copulator "

 

The wedding I was at last week,the best mans speech was hellish. The guy is a very funny guy but nerves got the better of him. He just kept coming out with "potatos","bang tidy" and "smash your back doors in" randomly in the midle of sentences. I think he had been possessed by Keith Lemon. The oldies had no idea what was going on. It was like he had tourettes!!! lol

 

Does anyone else struggle to keep their gob shut when the vicar says "Does anyone know of any unlawful impediment why these two people should be joined together?" Cos it is a nightmare for me to not to say anything.

 

2 weddings, 2 divorces, 2 best man speaches, both said how lucky I was, both lied, bastards

 

Wedding Advice.

Don't do it!

 

! I'd give you REP but it wont let me

 

Sounds like a complicated wedding...