Went to bed last night with a girl who had a plasticine fanny. Didn't actually manage to get my cock in but I think I made a good impression
It's that time of year where everyone starts talking Oscar predictions. Personally I think he got legless and shot her
The horth whithperer -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A guy calls his friend the horse breeder and says he's sending a guy over to look at a horse. His friend asks, "How will I recognize him?" "That's easy he replies; he's a very short guy with a speech impediment." So, the little fella shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse. "A female horth." So he shows him a prized filly. "Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"? So the guy picks him up and he gives the horse's eyes the once over. "Nith eyeth. Can I thee her earzth"? So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears. "Nith earth. Can I see her mouf?" The breeder is getting pretty ticked off, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nith mouf. Can I see her twat?" Totally mad as fire at this point, the breeder grabs him under his arms and rams the guys head as far as he can up the horse's crutch, pulls him out and slams him on the ground. The midget gets up spluttering and coughing and says, "Perhapths I should rephwase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdle bit".
The brothel -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "The Brothel" The madam opened the brothel door in Kalgoorlie and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. "May I help you sir?" she asked. The man replied, "I want to see Suzy." "Sir, Suzy is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else" , said the madam. He replied, "No, I must see Suzy." Just then, Suzy appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Suzy. Suzy explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. "There are no discounts. The price is still £5000." Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Suzy and they went upstairs. After their session, Suzy said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" The man replied, "Coolgardie." "Really," she said. "I have family in Coolgardie." "I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her Lawyer. She asked me to give you your £15,000 inheritance." The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain: 1. Death 2. Taxes 3. Being screwed by a lawyer!
This is a real tough one. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line. THE SITUATION: You are in London There is chaos all around you, caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury. THE TEST: Suddenly, you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer... Somehow, the man looks familiar... You eventually realise who it is................................................ ............. ...................It's Muslim Cleric Abu Hamza. You notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever. You have two options: You can save the life of Abu or you can shoot a dramatic Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the country's most despised, evil and powerful men! THE QUESTION: Here's the question, and please give an honest answer... Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?
A Nun And A Soldier. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.' The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?' The nun replied, 'He went that way.' After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Afghanistan ..' The nun said, 'I understand completely.' The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!' The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Afghanistan either.'
"If you'd had a tin of shoe polish, you could have blackened her up and got away with it," I said to Oscar Pistorius laughing. Then I realised that was in bad taste. Why would he have a tin of shoe polish?
Sad news from the Nestlé factory today as a man was crushed by hundreds of boxes of chocolates. He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he yelled "the Milky Bars are on me!" people just cheered.
I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check up. She told me that I had to stop ****ing. I asked "why?" She replied, "because I'm trying to examine you"
I played the best April's Fool joke with all my work colleagues yesterday. I told them the office was closed and I didn't see any of the suckers turn up all day!
Dutch organisation Mars One says it will open applications for flights to Mars imminently. It would be a one-way trip, and the company hopes to build a community of settlers on the planet. Feeling a surge of excitement, I phoned them. "Thank you for calling Mars One," the operator said. "Can I take a name please?" "Yes, it's Barbara Johnson." "Not many men called Barbara!" she said. "It's my wife's name," I explained patiently.
I told the barmaid in my local pub that our town has the highest rate of stalkings in the whole of the UK. She didn't believe me, so I mentioned it to her again while she was on the bus going home.
Police have said that the 300 Wolverhampton Wanderers fans that invaded the pitch on Saturday after the 2-1 loss to Burnley will all be handed 5 year bans. So far 14,000 have handed themselves in!!
I got home from the pub last night and my wife said, "I can't believe how intoxicated you are." Denying it I said, "I'm not drunk." She said, "Yes you are." I said, "No I'm ****ing not." She said, "Can you tell the time?" I walked up to the clock and said, "I'm not ****ing drunk."
A tourist in Vienna -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770- 1827". Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. By the next day the word has spread and a crowd has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music. "I would have thought it was obvious" the caretaker says. . . . . . . . . . "He's decomposing."
Fernando Torres becomes the first man ever to win the Champions League, Europa League, Euro Championships and World Cup. Whilst John Terry is the first man to hold the Europa League, Champions League, Ryder Cup, Superbowl and American presidency all at once.
