Formation Porn Thread

We tend to see things as very much player orientated, signing better quality in the staff the aim, but what if we look at it from a scratch situation and hone philosophy first?

So this is not to suit our team and squad, but in general, what is the ultimate tactic sent down by the football gods (have mercy you cruel cruel deities) to wreak havoc on all before it? What is the future of world football?

For me, it's Swedish total-football, or as the Swedes call it, "flargen bargen", which is typified by this configuration;

STL--------STC--------STR


-----MC----MC----MC----


-DL-----DC----DC------DR


---------SAGK----------

You may think such a prohibitive formation as the 4-3-3 is wrought only for the counter-attacking CharlizeTherons (charlatons?) of Western Europe, requiring fast wing play and direct hoofing down the flanks, with one big lumbering ogre in the middle swatting balls out of the air like King Kong on heat, all whilst using Nemanja Vidic's to scratch his arse and Chris Samba's to brush his teeth... You may think the dynamism of a Jonas and the skillful caress of a Hatem Ben Arfa must be blended together like a gentle perfume lingering on an autumn breeze following a brief but ravenous romp in the hay... But NO!!! These fair of hair and heart beauties (some of the women are fairly attractive too by all accounts) have incorporated plentiful movement and slick passing to an art-form (I mean, is it surprising? The only reason Vikings managed to raid our shores in the first place, whilst looking so patently ridiculous with funny hats and silly shields, was because the car-booters of Britain (you know who you are) were too busy admiring the bloody woodwork on their boats.... "oooh look here Gladys they've carved a dragon... will you take 50p? 60... that's my last offer... Fair enough, 60p and my wife, seeing as you have your hands all over her... Oh shoosh Gladys, I'm getting a bargain here"), and the possession and interchanging roles provides a nightmare for standard and boring 4-4-2 proponents (ok it didn't work on football manager, but neither does training Shola up as assistant manager so he'll be hired by someone and have a successful solo career... So you can automatically tell the quality of the game). And yes, SAGK means sexy attacking goalkeeper.


So, budding Mourinho's and Alexia Ferguson's, what concoctions and strategies would make for the best tactic the world has ever seen?

Gandalf points are awarded for those who can waffle for longer than I have about mine... The world record is currently held by one Brendan Rodgers!

 

got all excited when I saw this thread and ended up disappointed

 

I'd like to see us try this out. There would loads of goals (for both) teams.

Left wing...left striker ...centre forward ...right striker ...right wing
...............attacking midfielder......attacking midfielder
..............................creative midfielder
.............................defensive midfielder
..................................centre back
...................................goalkeeper

 

Tim could be considered a SAGK, he often goes beyond the 18 yard box to punt the ball down field and can reach the oposition goal quite easily.

 

Any team which has Shola in it...

 

I'd like to see us try this out. There would loads of goals (for both) teams.

Left wing...left striker ...centre forward ...right striker ...right wing
...............attacking midfielder......attacking midfielder
..............................creative midfielder
.............................defensive midfielder
..................................centre back
...................................goalkeeper


I see there's a centre back - is this the away fixture formation?

 

An offside trap even Willo and Santon could manage, that

 

I'd also like to try out this formation porn...

..................nurse 1....French maid 1.....nurse 2
Cheerleader 1...........................................cheerleader 2
................................Obi Wan
Porn actress 1 ..........................................porn actress 2
......bikini model 1.. ..French maid 2....bikini model 2

 

This might work.


..............................Simpson
..........Cowell..................................Batty
Scoular.....................Stokoe.....................Casey
White........Milburn......Keeble.....Hannah.......Mitchell

 

At least with Simon Cowell in the team you've got the X factor guaranteed, and probably for an increasingly miserable number of seasons...

 

Yes, we only adopt this defensive formation when we are trying to sit back on a 9-0 lead. Otherwise, it's all out attack.

 

It's a no from me!

 

Danny Simpson is average at RB, and you want to put him in goal???

 

Hmmm, good point, I think we've finally found Pardew's tactical adviser

 

You're obviously from the old school where keepers are big and strong and good at catching the ball... Pfft... AB's a visionary. This is moneyball, and the fat guy says we'll win more with a solid RB guarding the nets, bursting forward with occasional pace, and the ability to pick out a pass as if he had B (for Basement) Fritzel's eyes before they adjusted to the light

 

We should adopt American Football tactics of 'offensive' formations and 'defensive' formations, replacing the whole team each time we win corners or attacking free kicks, because the current bunch are hopeless at those. We could get a team of 7ft basketball players on the bench waiting to come on, then bring them back off after they score from the corner and it goes back to 'open play'.

 

I feel we must petition Fifa immediately. Then the French government about the quality of their sperm... Is there such thing as a 6ft+ Frenchman?

 

Some rough and ready defenders like the ice hockey players would be good, but I guess they'd spend a lot of time in the sin bin.

 

Oops, on the bench or in the changing room.

 

Yeah, plus a few Rugby League nutters to clear the way for Cabaye and Benni to dance their way to the oppo goal. Maybe some High Jumpers would be good in the air too.