South yorkshire police investigating last Fridays incident at Hillsborough say that Chris Kirkland was drunk, and had entered the ground without a ticket!!
Another couple have come forward to complain about sexual abuse in the 70's at the BBC , they stated they were both fisted for up to half an hour at a time, in a statement Sooty and Sweep .........
John Obi Mikel has already complained about racist taunts on the shirts of 2 Swansea City players. It is believed the Swans players involved are Monk and Ki
My wife called me as I was sat in the pub last night."I've cooked dinner," she screamed, "And if you're not home within 20 minutes I'm going to feed it to the dog.""Woooah! That's bang out of order!" I said, "It's not his fault." I saw a homeless man sleeping inside a big cardboard box outside the train station this morning.Not wanting to disturb him, I crept over and put a Starbucks coffee cup on top of his box.He immediately woke up and said, "Thank you.""No problem." I smiled.He looked at me again and said, "It's empty."I said, "I know, it's meant to be a chimney."
"Go and have a look at the size of the **** I've just done in the bathroom!" I said to my wife. "No thanks," she replied. "Please, just one quick look," I said, "You won't believe it." She pinched her nose, ran in, looked down the toilet, then ran out and said, "There's nothing down there, you must've flushed it." I said, "It's on the scales."
My wife and I took our daughter to the doctors today, after noticing that the rash around her vagina was getting worse. "She had the same problem this time last year," said my wife. "What could it possibly be?" "It looks like a rash caused by the rubbing of hair on the skin," replied the doctor. "But she doesn't have any hair," I said, stroking my Movember goatee.
BREAKING NEWS: Ken Dodd has now been accused in the Jimmy Saville sex scandal. A woman of South American origin claims she was forced to have sex with him, 25 years ago "... and I have evidence to prove it!" said Mrs Suarez
After Helen Flanagan's trial in a room with an ostrich, Ant and Dec asked how it felt to come face to face with a strange looking bird with a tiny brain. "Fcuking terrifying" replied the ostrich.
A farmer reared 25 young hens and one old cock. As he felt that the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer bought one young cock from the market. ... Old cock to Young cock: "Welcome , we will work together towards productivity. " Young cock: What you mean? As far as I know, you are old & should be retired. Old cock : Young boy, there are 25 hens here, can't I help you with some? Young cock: No! Not even one, all of them will be mine. Old cock: In this case, I shall challenge you to a competition & if I win you shall allow me to have one hen & if I lose you will have all. Young cock: OK. What kind of competition? Old cock: 50 meters run. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 meters. Young cock: No problem ! We will compete tomorrow morning. Confidently, the following morning, the Young cock allows the Old cock to start off & when the Old cock crosses the 10 meters mark the Young cock chases him with all his might. Soon enough, he was behind the Old cock back in a matter of seconds. Suddenly, Bang.....! Before he could overtake the old cock, he was shot dead by the farmer, who cursed, ... . . "Hell, This is the fifth GAY cock I've bought this week.
Helen Flanagan has managed to do something that her boyfriend, Scott Sinclair, hasn't... Get picked on a regular basis.
BEST FIVE ****S EVER 5. **** me! That planes a bit low! - New York Residents 2001. 4. You want ****ing what on the ceiling? - Michelangelo 1566 3. ****ing slow down - Princess Diana 1997 2. Listen, for the last time, I haven't ****ing seen them! - Ian Huntley 2002 1. We'll win the ****ing league again this year! - Liverpool fans, 1991, 1992, 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 1997, 1998, 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012
Tesco installed a medical machine that for £5 and a urine sample, would diagnose any condition. When Jim went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read " U have tennis elbow . Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, Jim wondered if he could fool the machine . He mixed tap water with dog ****, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then ****ed into the mixture. When he tipped it into the machine the next day, the printout read: 1. Ur tap water is too hard. 2. Ur dog has ringworm. Give it antibiotics. 3. Ur daughter is on cocaine . Get her to rehab. 4. Ur wife is expecting twins. Not yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you keep ****ing, ur elbow won't get better! Thank you for shopping at Tesco.
John Terry was due to be on the Sports Personality of the year shortlist until he saw Mo Farah's name and asked if it was short for monkey
Story by a Man standing in a queue in Tesco's......... I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot (dog biscuits) in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me. I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door. Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food??
pady called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs.""That's terrible," she replied. "Are they moving?""I'm not sure, to be honest," he said, "But that would explain the suitcase." Santa say's to his Elf "I'm getting sick of this. It's the same old **** every year. Running about like a twat in this stupid, red costume and at the end of it all I always end up with nothing." The elf say's "Now you know how Steven Gerrard feels..."
