My wife & I were on holiday and after a few sambucas & hours of persuasion, she finally agreed to take it up the arse. I'm so relieved, as there was no way I could get another 8 pouches of tobacco in the suitcase!
Read this without crying!!!!! A review for Veet hair removal cream for men After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat. I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait. At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned. Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me. This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain-crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before. Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good ". Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself, which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect...
(No offense meant in any of the following - they are jokes/stories) GHOST SEX A professor at the Brighton University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?' About 90 students raise their hands. Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?' About 40 students raise their hands. That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?' About 15 students raise their hand. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?' Three students raise their hands. That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?' Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Ahmed, in all the years I've been giving this lecture no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.' The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?' Ahmed replied, "****, from way back there I thought you said Goats." A deal is a deal! When Joe a nice man married for over 50 years died, his wife Myrtle was devastated. A couple of months later, Myrtle also died. Once in heaven, Myrtle anxiously looked for Joe. Suddenly, behind a cloud, she could clearly see him with another woman. She ran towards him, calling out to him, "Joe Darling... Joe……….." Joe said: "Hold your horses woman, and don't 'darling' me. The deal was very clear... 'Until death do us part' " Let's offend everyone!!! Why Not!!!!!!!!! I came out of the chip shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sitting there said, “I've not eaten for two days." I told him, "I wish I had your will power." I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said, "Any change?" I said "No, you're still black". Snow in the forecast! The TV weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, fat chance with a face like that! Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslims, I've found that a bacon sandwich works better. I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself .............................I'm going to have that. A woman has a medical at the Doctors; "You are grossly overweight" he says. "I want a 2nd opinion", she exclaimed. "OK - you're bloody ugly as well."
Predictive text ruined my chance with this girl at work when I told her I wanted her. Apparently there is no explaining "I wish you were nine."
A horse walks into a bar. The barman says, "Why the long face?" The horse replies, "I came first in the Olympics and they gave the medal to the twat on my back."
I see the Aussies didn't do very well in the Olympics. But then, if they could run, they wouldn't have been Australians in the first place. sorry Musty !!!!
Las Vegas and Merthyr dont have much in common, but they are the only two places on earth that you can pay for sex with chips!!
Ryan Giggs has vowed to treat Robin Van Persie like a brother after meeting the dutchmans wife today!!!
Paddy says to Murphy..."How come scuba divers fall out of the boat backwards?"..Murphy replies.."Well if they fell forwards they'd be still in the boat ya thick cynt!"..
I rang babestation the other night and the woman said "Hi sexy what can i do for you?" I said "fecking hide",My wife's coming and i've lost the remote..
Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses,lies spread eagled on the bed and says "You know what i want,Don't you?" "Yeah,"Says Paddy."The whole fecking bed by the looks of it!".
For those of you getting some Make sure you get the Correct Insurance for the sex you may be getting Sex with your wife - Legal & General. Sex on the telephone - Direct Line. Sex with your Partner - Standard Life. Sex with someone Different - Go Compare. Sex with a Fat bird - More Than. Sex On the back seat of a car - Sheila's Wheels. Sex with a posh bird - Privileged. Sex with an OAP - Saga ! Sex with sheep - AVIVA Pet Insurance Sex in the Bahamas - Sun life Sex in hospital - Bupa Insurance and finally for cardiff fans Sex with a ladyboy - confused.com!
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”. The operator says “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says “OK, now what?"
10 funniest jokes’ at this year’s Edinburgh Fringe 1. Stewart Francis – “You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks.” 2. Tim Vine – “Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly.” 3. Will Marsh – “I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.” 4. Rob Beckett – “You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.” 5. Chris Turner – “I’m good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet ... I don’t know why.” 6. Tim Vine – “I took part in the sun tanning Olympics – I just got Bronze.” 7. George Ryegold – “Pornography is often frowned upon, but that’s only because I’m concentrating.” 8. Stewart Francis – “I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting.” 9. Lou Sanders – “I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: ’It’s not rocket salad’.” 10. Nish Kumar – “My mum’s so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism ... she wouldn’t fancy her chances.”
