Only been to the red light in Amsterdam. Let's face it, you canny go on a lads trip to the Dam withoot nailing a couple of gorgeous hookers. It would be rude not to.
My brother-in-law was with us. Poor ****s tongue was hinging oot looking at the hookers on show. Some right stunners.
Careful when you do, lots of thugs ready to mug you and rip you off especially near the canals and bridges. Proper moody. Be aware of the fat pig alley too, we all went on a cultural exchange visit and were stunned at window after window of morbidly obese black and Samoan old birds. Steer clear of the oriental hooers too, chances are they are ladyboys. The ones who haven't been able to afford a top notch sex change still have the Adams apple and are called blue beards as their facial hair isn't controlled well enough by the hormone tablets. Apparently.
Forget brothels my man, Independents is what you have to do. Adult Work is a good place to find them, anything you want you will find one that caters for it!
I would like to say that prostitutes in the red light district apparently consider drunk Englishmen the worst visitors. Take that ye kilt wearing, haggis eating, cock munching, ugly bastards
Saw this on Punternet... I rang the buzzer and the door opened. I walked upstairs where the maid met me. She was about fifty with dyed dark hair and inquisitive eyes. She showed me into the bedroom and advised me that ‘the girl’ will be in shortly. I took off my coat and stood by the window. About a minute later I heard the toilet flush in the adjoining room and very soon after the door opened and in came the girl. She was wearing an overcoat. “Hi”, she said. “It’s a bit cold tonight isn’t it?” “Yes,” I said, thinking to myself that she should have put the heating on. “What can I do for you?” she asked. “What’s on the menu?” I inquired, as I looked at her greasy brown hair that definitely wasn’t blonde. “Hand relief is £30. Oral and hand relief is £40. Oral and sex is £60. Oral, reverse-oral and sex is £80. And other stuff is £100 upwards.” “I’ll have £60’s worth,” I said, while thinking to myself that she could spend some of it on some make-up. I took the money from my wallet and placed it in her hand. “I’ll be back in a moment,” she said. “Get yourself ready.” I undressed and lay on the bed. I heard the maid say to Sara, “You look rough tonight. If I was a bloke I wouldn’t pay to have sex with you!” Unfortunately I just had. When she came back into the room I watched as she undressed. She began by removing her overcoat – which revealed a shabby floral dress that had seen better days. Once she removed the dress I could she that she wasn’t wearing any knickers. She removed her previously-white bra (which was a C-cup) to reveal the smallest breasts I’ve ever seen. I’ve seen bigger tits on an eleven year old. She asked me to lie on my stomach for the massage, so I did. She poured a pile of talc into the small of my back and proceeded to spread it about lightly. Then she said, “ Can you turn over now.” I had expected at least a cursory massage with perhaps a stroking of my erogenous areas, but by now I had also realised that my expectations were going to be curtailed this evening. I turned over. She sprinkled talc onto my chest and thighs as she reached for a condom. My cock was still soft so I gave it some attention so she could put the condom on. Once on, she began to perform her oral duties. I love to watch a girl giving me a blowjob, and I had a very good view of her head bobbing up and down. Up, down, up, down. Very mechanical. Up, down, up down. Like a metronome. Tick, tock, tick tock. This girl wasted no time with eye contact, tongue action, or scrotum squeezing. I was musing over her technique when she suddenly stopped and said, “Would you like to get on top now?” It was at this point that I thought to myself, I’ve paid for this service and I should be asking for what I want. So I said, “I’d prefer oral for a bit longer please, and would you mind if I slipped a finger inside you while you work?” “That’s fine,” and she positioned her legs for me to gain entry. I slipped a finger into her fleshy folds and it felt good. Her head was bobbing up and down and she was starting to **** me too. She was doing this too firmly and my cock was beginning to feel numb. I knew this punt was going badly and I would have to start giving her instructions. “Can you go a bit slower?” She nodded and slowed a tad. I guided her hand away to my scrotum so she could tickle it. This felt much better, and she continued it for a good few minutes. Next time she stopped and asked me to get on top, I did. Once positioned on top of her I noticed her tits disappeared altogether. But she did have nice nipples and when I asked to lick them she had no objection. I noticed that she positioned her hand on my shaft so I didn’t penetrate her fully. I ignored this until she winced in pain. I asked if she was uncomfortable. “Yeah, my fanny is really sore today.” How romantic, I thought. I continued to **** her until I got bored. Then I suggested that she give a handjob instead. “Great,” she said with obvious relief. She then proceeded to give me one of the handjobs we’ve all had from working girls – the fast and furious ones where her hand is moving so quickly it’s just a blur. She didn’t bother going through the gears – she redlined it in fifth. My cock was going numb again and I suspected the condom was beginning to melt. “Shall we remove the condom?” I asked. From the look on her face you would have thought I’d asked if I could inject her with HIV. But to her credit she removed it and cleaned me with a wet wipe. She was just beginning to **** me again when I asked if she use some baby oil. She obliged. At last this was beginning to feel nice – a slow handjob without a rubber. Despite this, I knew the finish line was nowhere in site. So I ventured a question. “Would you talk dirty to me?” She looked fearful – as if I’d asked to do bareback anal. But to her credit again, she asked, “What do you want me to say?” “Tell me I have a big cock.” “You have a big cock.” “Ask me if it’s full of spunk.” “Is your cock full of spunk?” “Yeah – two weeks worth!” “Ooo, that’s a lot!” “I’m going to explode soon and spunk all over your ceiling.” This seemed to stop her in her tracks. So I prompted her again. “Do you like my finger inside you?” “Oh yeah, that was luverly. I wish it was your big cock.” “My big hard cock.” “Oh yeah, your big hard spunky cock.” Despite the pleasant talk I was treading water so I moved her hand away and began to **** myself. I thought of some of the previous punts I’d had, and within a minute I was approaching the vinegar strokes. “Finish me off, Luv,” I muttered. She took the reins and after half a dozen strokes I shot my load. But before all the tadpoles had left the pond, she had removed her hand and was getting a hankie. I squeezed the last few drops out myself as she left the room. I got dressed and left. In summary, there are many ways to spend £60. You could buy a porno DVD, order an Indian takeaway and buy a decent bottle of red wine. That’s what I’m going to do next Friday night. How you spend £60 pounds is up to you – but I’d recommend you take the maid’s advice and not pay to have sex with Sara.
Is that from "fifty shades of grey?" Sounds like it. The only thing missing was the bit where he states. "Her pussy was wetter than a spastics chin".
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