It's such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary). I got stopped in the street outside Boots today by a woman with a clipboard asking "What products do I use for grooming?" She was a bit taken aback when I replied, "Facebook". I just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though - she's crap at snooker. I met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser! Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area so I've called him Bradford. If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's Spam. They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly. I've just watched a documentary about children being beaten and abused in Indian sweatshops. Looking at the quality of stitching on my new trainers the little bastards deserved it! When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau. The local shop ran out of milk again due to the freezing weather, fortunately, my elderly neighbour Ethel has plenty stacked up on her doorstep.
I'll give it 10 mins before the PC brigade start wailing. Youre not allowed to laugh these days in case you upset a extreme minority sector of the world? Love them me like? Lol
Those were the edited versions as well mate, i'll keep them cominguntil the police come though. ha-ha. I just got back from a holiday in Thailand and came that close to shagging a ladyboy. Looked like a woman, spoke like a woman, walked like a woman and kissed like a woman. It was only when she was driving me back to her place and reverse parked into a narrow parking space with no problem, I thought... Just a f**king minute...
I took me wife to this disco, kinda dance, last weekend. At a “Liverpool, Club”. There was a guy there, out on the dance floor, giving it large. He was breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips . . you name it . . you know . ."the works". Me wife says to me, "That fella proposed to me 25 years ago and I turned him down." I said, "Looks like he's still f**king celebrating....!!!
I took me wife to this disco, kinda dance, last weekend. At a âLiverpool, Clubâ. There was a guy there, out on the dance floor, giving it large. He was breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips . . you name it . . you know . ."the works". Me wife says to me, "That fella proposed to me 25 years ago and I turned him down." I said, "Looks like he's still f**king celebrating....!!!
HISTORY OF THE CONDOM In 1272, the Arabic Islamic Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine. In 1873, the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.
HISTORY OF THE CONDOM In 1272, the Arabic Islamic Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine. In 1873, the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.
I was standing in a bar in town yesterday and this little Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer. I said to him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?" He says "No, why the fluck you ask me dat, is it coz I Chinee"? "No", I say, "It's because you're drinking my beer you little prick".
Junior School Children Writing About The Sea. Priceless !!! 1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6) 2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6) 3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island . If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne age 7) 4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson . She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6) 5) A dolphin breaths through an arsehole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8) 6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6) 7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7) 8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6) 9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6) 10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7) 11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6) 12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8) 13) On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7).
And one for Syd, sorry mate. SUCCESS: At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants. At age 12 success is . . . Having friends. At age 17 success is . . Having a driver's licence. At age 35 success is .. . ... ..having money. At age 50 success is . . . Having money.... At age 70 success is . .. . Having a drivers licence. At age 75 success is . ... . Having friends. At age 80 success is . . .. Not piddling in your pants.
A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman standing alone. He approached her and asked her name. "My name is Carmen," she told him. That's beautiful," he said. "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most - cars and men. What's your name?" she asked. "Beerfuck," he replied.
