THE AUSSIE VERSION OF CREATION In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach..... and BBQ's...... He created night for going prawning, Sleeping and BBQ's, and God saw that it was good. On the Second Day, God created water....for surfing, swimming, and BBQ's on the beach, And God saw that it was good. On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants to provide malt and yeast for beer And wood for BBQs, and God saw that it was good.. On the Fourth Day God created animals And crustaceans ,chops, sausages, Steak and prawns for BBQ's, and God saw that it was good. On the Fifth day God created a Bloke to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ's, and God saw that it was good. On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and Needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the Barbie with. So God created Mates, And God saw that they were good Blokes, and God saw that it was good. On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling Barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes. He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God Saw that it was good .. ..... Well.... Almost good..... He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest. So God created Sheilas to clean the house, to bear children, to wash, to cook and to clean the Barbie, and then God saw that it was not just good..... It was better than that, it was Bloody Awesome!
Dear Grand-daughter, The other day I went up to our local Christian book shop and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker’. I was feeling particularly good that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. I am glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed. I was stopped at a red light at a busy junction, where Burgess Road meets The Avenue, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the man behind started honking like mad, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!' 'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!' What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Bournemouth back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another man waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Portsmouth good luck sign or something. Well, I rarely go to Portsmouth, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the junction. I noticed that I was the only car that got through the junction before the light changed again and felt sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Portsmouth good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful people!! Will write again soon, Love from your Grandma
A little boy ran into the living room where his dad was watching TV and asked: "Dad why do women wear white when they get married?" His Dad looked up from the TV, smiled and said: "All domestic appliances come in white son." and went back to watching the TV The little boy then asked: "Dad what are testicles?" without bothering to look up from watching the TV his Dad said: "Bollocks." to which the boy said: "If you are going to be like that I shall go and ask Mum."
A rather dim barman went to the gents in the pub where he worked. Standing at the next urinal was a well built black gentleman. The dim barman couldn't help but notice that this man had a massive dick. "Excuse me" he said. I hope you wont be offended, but I couldn't help noticing your dick. I wish I had one like that. Realising the barman was probably a shilling short of the full quid, the man said. "It wasn't always like that mon, it take a lot of hard work to get it like this. Do you want to know the secret?" Yes please" said the barman. "Well", said the coloured gentleman; "every time you take a piss you must bash it as hard as you can against the urinal 5 or 6 times before and after you piss." Anyway, a couple of weeks later, this coloured man went in the pub again and, having ordered his drink, asked the barman. "So is your 'you know what' getting better?" "Well sort of" said the barman, "it doesn't seem to be any bigger yet but at least it's gone black" ------ I'll get me coat!
Liverpool FC are now An official joke. There last three managers are an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman....
selina scott returns to afganastan to do a documentary on how womens lives had changed in the new country. she was escorted by her translator mohammad and his wife Selina. Mohammed, the changes seem great for women, when I saw last 4 years ago your wife was wearing a burqa but now she wears a headscarf with trousers and blouse. So now does she have more freedom? Mohammed. she feels more comfortable, that is all Selina. The major difference that I see is that before all the women walked 5 metres behind thier husbands for respect to the man. But now the women walk 8 minutes infront of thier husband- does this the men are showing more respect to the women? Mohammed. our respect for the women has not changed Selina. Then why do the women walk 8 metres infront of the men? Mohammed. Simple. landmines
A bloke is watching a film with creepy organ music on the tv when he shouts out "Dont enter the church you daft git" His wife says "What you watching dear?" Husband replies "Our wedding video"
A blind man walks into a shop and starts swinging his guide dog round and round in circles above his head. Rather alarmed, an assistant approaches him and says "Can I help you sir?" "No thanks" says the blind man, "Just looking"
Archaeologists have discovered a new tomb in Egypt containing a mummy covered in chocolate, They think he might be a pharaoh rocher....... The FA have confirmed Duran Duran are to release Englands Euro song "His name is Rio and he watches from the stand"....
