A woman comes home early one day, and finds her husband in bed with a female midget. Furious, she screams, "you said you weren't going to be unfaithful anymore" Her husband replies "for ****s sake, can't you see I'm trying to cut down"
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on... If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this: COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou. ABBOTT: Your computer? COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou. ABBOTT: What about Windows? COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here? ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows? COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows? ABBOTT: Wallpaper. COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software. ABBOTT: Software for Windows? COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything? ABBOTT: I just did. COSTELLO: You just did what? ABBOTT: Recommend something. COSTELLO: You recommended something? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: For my office? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yes, for my office! ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows. COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need? ABBOTT: Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOTT: Word in Office. COSTELLO: The only word in office is office. ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows? ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'. COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: I need money to track my money? ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer. COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer? ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge. COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much? ABBOTT: One copy. COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money? ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money. COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money? ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT! (A few days later) ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off? ABBOTT: Click on 'START'.............
These are the very lovely Mrs Godders favourites and she has sked me to post them for Fran: He said to me . ... . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it I said to him .... . . You wear pants don't you? He said to me ... . .......... Shall we try swapping positions tonight? I said to him .. That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? I said to him . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror! He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay? I said to him ... . They don't have time. He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? I said to him .. .. I don't know; it has never happened. He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking? I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends. He said to me...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? I said to him.. . .. A widow. He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women? I said to him .. . ... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed….Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
I had a remarkably similar conversation with a charming Indian lady when I was having problems. It finished with her shrieking: Don't move your wardrobe. I will fix it from here.
A Bloke goes into a chemists: Bloke: "Give me three packets of condoms, please." Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?" Bloke: "Nah.... She ain't that bloody ugly."
I changed my I Pod name to Titanic. It's syncing now. When chemists die, they barium. Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I do not enjoy computer jokes. Not one bit. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me. This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore. A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. For fingering A minor. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down. I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words. They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O. A dyslexic man walks into a bra. PMS jokes aren't funny, period. Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations. Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz. Energizer battery arrested. Charged with battery. I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me. How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it! Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils? When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble. What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me! Broken pencils are pointless. I tried to catch some fog. I mist. What do you call a dinosaur with extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus. England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool . I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest. I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx. All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on. I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough. Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes. Velcro - what a rip off! Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy. Venison for dinner? Oh deer! Earthquake in Washington obviously the government's fault. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure. Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
Welcome home Tim Vine I can handle that guy for 5 minutes at a time, longer and my ears start to bleed :-D
A guy went into a petshop: Customer: I'd like a goldfish please. Pet shop owner: Certainly sir, would you like an aquarium? Customer: I don't give a monkeys what star-sign it is, I just want a goldfish
Germany and France are going to start their own new currency. It will be called the George Foreman Euro. It's the same as the old Euro but without any greece.
There's a guy driving round Portsmouth who must be a real hard nut. Down the side of his pick up truck he has written, in great big letters, SCRAP WANTED
I think he was the guy who took away my old broken down dishwasher. He looked real hard and picked the thing up single handedly and threw it in the back of his truck.
Old one not but still a classic A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the at the next stop. When the bus starts on it's way the driver says to the hippie, "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." The hippie says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and prays to God. "If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are God and you could command her to have sex with you." The hippie decides this is a great idea, so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. At midnight sure enough the nun shows up and begins praying the hippie jumped out from hiding and says. "I AM GOD! I have heard your prayers and I will answer them, BUT ... first you must have sex with me." The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun. After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts,"Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the hippie!!" Then the nun jumps up and shouts, "Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the bus driver!!"
Bloke stopped me in the street the other day and asked "Have you got a light mate?" "No," I said "but Ive got a fat friend!"
Little Johnny enters his Mother's bedroom to find her naked. Upon seeing her pubic hair he exclaims "Mum what's all that at the top of your legs?" His Mum, thinking swiftly, decides that wee Johnny is a bit young for the birds and the bees lecture, retorts, "It's just my sponge, Johnny don't worry" Johnny leaves and the matter is forgotten. A day or two pass by and again, Johnny re-enters the boudoir, at the precise moment that his Mum has just finished shaving herself completely down there, in an attempt to titillate and revitalise her and her husbands flagging sex life. Noticing her now hairless pudenda, he enquires, "Mum your sponge, where is it, it's gone!?" Again thinking fast, Mum replies "Um, I've lost it, don't worry it'll turn up" Satisfied with this Johnny leaves again. Another few days pass and Mother is washing up in the kitchen. Suddenly the back door bursts open and little Johnny, red in the face with excitement, screams at the top of his voice, "MUM MUM!! I'VE FOUND YOUR SPONGE, THE LADY NEXT DOOR HAS IT AND SHE'S WASHING DAD'S FACE WITH IT!!"
The Pope comes to Portsmouth and asks "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar." With that, wee Brendon got in line, and when it was his turn, the Pope asked, "My son, what do you want me to pray about for you?" Wee Brendon replied, "Your Holiness, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The Pope put one finger of one hand in Brendonâs ear, placed his other hand on top of his head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a great prayer for Brendon, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm. After a few minutes, the Pope removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Brendon, how is your hearing now?" Brendon answered, "I don't know. It's not' 'til next week....."
