Did you hear about the Irish fly fisherman? Caught a 10lb Bluebottle or The Irish Sea Scout Drowned pitching his tent.
I once knew a dental nurse who liked giving blowjobs & smoking weed...... she was known as oral high Jean !
The Pope is showing his nephew how to ****. His nephew says"This is great" The Pope replies "Wait till your 13, you'll be able to use your own cock !"
Todd's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?" Looking over her carefully, Todd replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five." "Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. "Hey, wait a minute!" Todd interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."
Ten times in history when using the “F” word was appropriate: 10. 'What the *&%# was that?' - Mayor of Hiroshima, - August 1945 9. 'Where did all these *&%#ing Indians come from?' - Custer, 1877 8. 'Any *&%#ing idiot could understand that.' - Einstein, 1938 7. 'It does SO *&%#ing look like her!' - Picasso, 1926 6. 'How the *&%# did you work that out?' - Pythagorus, 126 BC 5. 'You want WHAT on the *&%#ing ceiling?' - Michelangelo, 1566 4. 'I don't suppose it's gonna *&%#ing rain.' - Joan of Arc, 1434 3. 'Scattered *&%#ing showers...my ass!' - Noah, 314 BC 2. 'Aw c'mon, who the *&%# is going to find out?' - Bill Clinton, 1997 1. 'I need another parade like I need a *&%#ing hole in my head!' - JFK, 1963
A little guy goes into a lift, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet 3 inches tall, 385 pounds, 12 inch penis, 2 pound left testicle, 2 pound right testicle, Turner Brown." The small guy faints away and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, gently slapping his face and shaking him, "Are you alright?" In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you say?" The big guy says, "I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions almost everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet 3 inches tall, 385 pounds, 12 inch penis, 2 pound left testicle, 2 pound right testicle, and my name is Turner Brown." The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn Around'
My next life. In my next life i want to live backwards. Start off dead, just to get it out of the way. Then wake up in an old peoples home, feeling better every day, get kicked out for being too healthy, go and collect pension, then start work, get a gold watch and have a party on your first day, work for 40 years untill young enough to enjoy retirement, lots of parties,excess alcohol, loads of sex, then start high school, move down to primary school, lots of kids to play with, no responsibilities, then become a baby, spend 9 months floating around in your own warm spa, and then you finish off as an orgasam.
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on the top level. The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realises she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!" One of the Blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
After hearing that the whole world was looking for Joseph Kony, Manchester City have bid £100 million.
747 flying from New York to Dublin. Captain comes on the Intercom and announces that due to an engine failure, the flight will arrive 30 minutes late at it's destination. 15 minutes later Captain announces that they have had to shut down another engine and, therefore, will be 2 hours late. Not more than 5 minutes later a worried sounding captain announces that a third engine has failed so the flight will be 3 hours late. At this point Paddy turns round to his mate and says "If the fourth engine packs up, we'll be up here all night."
Two businessmen in the centre of Ipswich were sitting down for a break in their soon to be new shop. As* yet, the shop wasn't ready, there was only a few shelves up. One said to the other, I bet some old pensioner is going to walk by put their face to the window, and ask what we're selling. No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked up to the window, looked in and shouted, "what you selling in there" One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling arseholes" Well the old woman replied, you must be doing well..... there's only two left! ILD OTBC
Shamelessly stolen from another board! A recent survey has discovered that one in three Ipswich fans is just as ****ing stupid as the other two!
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A policeman pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk." Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" "Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go." Breathing a sigh of relief, the drunk said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you ****ers who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your arses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
Paddy asks Murphy if he wants any ***s when he goes on his holidays, Murphy says "yes cheers mate get me 400 Bensons." 2wks later Paddy comes back home, sees Murphy in the pub & says "I got ur ***s, u owe me £149 "**** sake" says Murphy "where did u go on holiday?" Paddy says 'Blackpool'
A man walks into a pub and tells the barmaid that he can tell what day she was born just by feeling her tits. "No way" she says. "Honest, I can" says the man. The barmaid leans forward and says "Go on then". The man has a good feel for about 10 minutes then steps backwards. "OK, what day was i born then" said the barmaid. "Fookin yesterday" said the man.
