I'm going to start this incredibly childish thread by saying cheers to all, Mackems and Mags alike, for some smashing banter, and respectful comments and articles in the run up to the game. Being exiled, you guys, and the one Mackem I know here (a screaming hot lass, she does my hair) and the handful of Mags here, it's tough being detached from 'our' game. This article is in no way meant to be serious, and if you are offended by childishness, look away now. Anyway, enough of the love in, so, we all agree that this derby, on the face of it, is likely to be tighter than a Jew in a pound shop, but what about if they replaced the pitch at the wonderfully named Sports Direct Arena with a weapons free cage, and the lads went toe-to-toe, street fighter style, in a fight to the death series of 1-on-1 battles. Now, I think we'll all agree that it is unlikely to be implemented into the FA rules anytime soon, and as such we'd probably not get the 3 points for the winner, but it would also be fantastic entertainment. Try and either a) be unbiased, or b) have an at least mildy amusing reason for your choice. My picks.... KRUL (NED) vs MIG (BEL) - Well, frankly, the curtain raiser would likely be a bit of a soft entry, 2 rather foppish looking young men (although the handsome Mig has sadly had his boyish good lucks blemished by a multiple early season face fracture), I dare say neither would be the first you'd call if you were having trouble with some local hoodlums. I see a fight akin to two bears hitting each other with leaves, and a draw, with no injuries accrued.... SIMPSON (ENG) v McLEAN (EIR) - Simple this one, a walkover for McLean (pronounced Mclane, like John in Die Hard...), who wipes out Simpson in half a second. McLean looks like he could take down a boat quicker than an Italian captain. 1 - 0 Sunderland COLO (ARG) v SESS (BEN) - An elegant and graceful battle, Colo has the size advantage, but Sessegnon is indestructible. An entertaining draw. WILLO (ENG) v CAMPBELL (ENG) - Cumbersome Willo comes out with some bick hooks, but quick and nimble ducks, dives, tires him out and knocks him down. Being such a gent, Englands number 9 helps Willo back to his feet, and gets him a date with a supermodel, and it's 2-0 Sunderland. SANTON (ITA) v LARSSON (SWE) - Well, Italians are surrender monkeys, and Swedes are lovers, not fighters. Santon takes advantage of the suave Swede arranging his flowing blonde locks, and pounds him in the face with a jar of Dolmio (Extra garlic). 2-1 Sunderland. TIOTE (CIV) v CATTS (ENG) - The 2 tough guys of the sides, this one turns into an epic hour long grapple, sadly for us Mackems, the strength and stamina of Tiote wins out, crushing Catts from the waist down with a swing of his enormous head. Catts will never walk again....2-2 CABAYE (FRA) v GARDNER (ENG) - Cabaye is French, and the only time he is tough is when he is going in 2 footed or stamping. Sadly for Gardner, his brothers can't help him on this on, and as 2-feet and stamping is allowed, the French poopshoot pioneer stamps the Brummy down for an early lead. With one swing of his rocket right foot though, Cabaye's testicles are removed, and he concedes, leaving the ring to take his rightful place as an Armani model (ladies collection) 3-2 the lads. JONAS (ARG) v BARDO (SCO) - Bardo, next. 4-2 Sunderland. OBERTAN (FRA) V RICCO (ENG) - Another easy one, 'only god can judge me' say Ricco's shin pads. Sadly, god is against fighting, and alien Obertan has a free reign to pummel him. Toon back in it. 4-3 Sunderland. BA (SEN) v O'SHEA (EIR) - a battle royale this one, experienced O'Shea putting up a great fight, his younger, quicker opponent having a tough time making any inroads against him. Ba finishes everything right now, and that's the case here, as from one lapse moment, O'Shea drops his guard and pays the price with a head but that sends him out of the Sports Direct Arena, into flight. He lands in the Bigg Market, where he is eaten alive by some Benwell lasses who here he has a job. 4-4, and into a decider..... SOTI (GRE) v BEST (EIR) -So it's down to this... the caveman v the ironically named Irish international.... 3 seconds in, the big Greek picks him up and snaps him clean in half, eating his top half, and giving a leg each to passing seagulls. He's a hero, and he's at one with nature. Sunderland 5 - 4 Newcastle....
Noted complete ignorance of Shola 'Mackem Slayer' Ameobi or Ryan 'Over The Wall, Over Them All' Taylor...
KRUL (NED) vs MIG (BEL) - Both big lads, not particularly hard but I have a feeling that Krul is just a massive ****er, so I'd go with Krul SIMPSON (ENG) v McCLEAN (EIR) - Both little lads, but McClean is bigger and looks like a bit of a bruiser, so McClean. COLO (ARG) v SESS (BEN) - Sessegnon is lightweight and nimble, but Coloccini seems to be built out of bricks and would have quite a size and reach advantage, so I'd go Coloccini. WILLO (ENG) v CAMPBELL (ENG) - I'd have to call this one a draw. Willo is a big bloke but Campbell could be quite a nimble scrapper. SANTON (ITA) v LARSSON (SWE) - Really not sure, but Santon is quite a bit bigger and seems well built so I'd go for him. TIOTE (CIV) v CATTS (ENG) - Tiote is honestly one of the hardest ****s I've ever laid eyes on. Nuff said. CABAYE (FRA) v GARDNER (ENG) - Both fairly similar in stature, but I can see Gardner being a bit more aggressive in a fight and taking it. JONAS (ARG) v BARDO (SCO) - Probably Bardsley, seems pretty hard and Jonas is a generally mild-mannered chap. OBERTAN (FRA) V RICCO (ENG) - Both fairly slim built, but with Obertan's size and reach advantage, I could see him taking it. BA (SEN) v O'SHEA (EIR) - Both big fellas, but O'Shea seems too mild mannered. Then again, so does Ba. Not sure really. SOTI (GRE) v BEST (EIR) - Best has had numerous interviews about his tough upbringing and most of his mates being in prison, so I can only presume that he's a hard ****.
Just don't let Gordon fight anyone since he seems to have osteoporosis, not least against Danny 'leg breaker' Guthrie. H'll end up like a jellyfish.
KRUL (NED) vs MIG (BEL) - Mig would drop him, Mig drops everything SIMPSON (ENG) v McCLEAN (EIR) - Mclean, he is Irish, say no more COLO (ARG) v SESS (BEN) - Sess would win because Collo would never live down the shame of picking on a little un WILLO (ENG) v CAMPBELL (ENG) - A draw because they are both nice boys SANTON (ITA) v LARSSON (SWE) - Santon but Seb would appeal to the ref, he always does TIOTE (CIV) v CATTS (ENG) - Catts, he is from Boro, you have to be hard to survive in Boro CABAYE (FRA) v GARDNER (ENG) - Cabaye coz Gards is homesick JONAS (ARG) v BARDO (SCO) - Bardsley, he is a boxer OBERTAN (FRA) V RICCO (ENG) - Obertan because he has no fear of losing his good looks BA (SEN) v O'SHEA (EIR) - Oshea, same reason as Obertan SOTI (GRE) v BEST (EIR) - The big Greek because he is the big Greek
Don't you know that Bardo is made out of the same stuff as Terminator, galvanised with the crushed bones of a million dead Yakuzu fighters?
KRUL (NED) vs MIG (BEL) - Both big lads, not particularly hard but I have a feeling that Krul is just a massive ****er, so I'd go with Krul SIMPSON (ENG) v McCLEAN (EIR) - Both little lads, but McClean is bigger and looks like a bit of a bruiser, so McClean. COLO (ARG) v SESS (BEN) - Sessegnon is lightweight and nimble, but Coloccini seems to be built out of bricks and would have quite a size and reach advantage, so I'd go Coloccini. WILLO (ENG) v CAMPBELL (ENG) - I'd have to call this one a draw. Willo is a big bloke but Campbell could be quite a nimble scrapper. SANTON (ITA) v LARSSON (SWE) - Really not sure, but Santon is quite a bit bigger and seems well built so I'd go for him. TIOTE (CIV) v CATTS (ENG) - Tiote is honestly one of the hardest ****s I've ever laid eyes on. Nuff said. Catts holds up a mirror to stun Tiote with his weird features (like Medusa) before delivering the final blow. CABAYE (FRA) v GARDNER (ENG) - Both fairly similar in stature, but I can see Gardner being a bit more aggressive in a fight and taking it. JONAS (ARG) v BARDO (SCO) - Probably Bardsley, seems pretty hard and Jonas is a generally mild-mannered chap. Probably Bardo?! Seriously?! OBERTAN (FRA) V RICCO (ENG) - Both fairly slim built, but with Obertan's size and reach advantage, I could see him taking it. Squidward will use his tentacles to pull his little pony tail thing. BA (SEN) v O'SHEA (EIR) - Both big fellas, but O'Shea seems too mild mannered. Then again, so does Ba. Not sure really. They both give as good as they take (in a straight way) and both deliver a knockout round house kick simultaneously (like violent ballet). SOTI (GRE) v BEST (EIR) - Best has had numerous interviews about his tough upbringing and most of his mates being in prison, so I can only presume that he's a hard ****. Sotirios descendent of King Leonidas.
If I may suggesting taking this concept a little further, which opposing supporter from this site would you gladly smack in the gob...I'll pick 5-1 simply because of his username, that suggests he thinks more about hating us than supporting his own team...
Are you suggesting Chappaz would be the 'fluffer' He can't he likes talking way too much, and it's rude with your mouth full.
Tiote reminds me of a pregnant spider. If he got a gashed swede, there'd be baby spiders all over the pitch.
Hahahhaha bloody marvellous mush loved that. EDIT: down to brass tacks though it would come down to tiote vs bardo with a blood stained bardo triumphantly ripping out his throat road house style. However, if carrol was giving them lessons the entire nufc team will come tooled up with bottles.... Bardo would still take em though
