Has to start with a hero of mine: Policeman: "A hermit eh? Then why's your table set for four?" Groucho: "That's nothing. My alarm clock is set for eight." Treasury Secretary: "Sir, you try my patience!" Groucho: "Don't mind if I do. You must try mine sometime."
Blackadder (something like) -"It's like getting an arrow through the neck and then finding a gas bill attached to it."
I've done this before, so apologies if I bore but this Classic Feldman line is my all time fave. [video=youtube;AZybFl_pfMk]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AZybFl_pfMk[/video]
"I think the thing that people get fussed about is that a fox is a small brown furry animal very much like a dog. I don't think they'd be nearly so worried if it was a little four-legged car, full of chips." Brass Eye - Fox Hunter's justification for....fox hunting.
I went up to the attic the other day with the wife.....cold, dusty, filthy and full of cobwebs...but she`s good with the kids.
if its a girl there going to name her sigourney, after an actress...and if its a boy, there going to call him rodney, after dave.
"I keep a lighter in my pocket at all times. I'm not a smoker, I just really love certain songs." Demetri Martin
Ted: If it doesn't look like a baby / spider and it doesn't gurgle at you why do they call it a spider baby? Dougal: They keep it in a pram!
Father Ted: Now concentrate this time, Dougal. These [he points to some plastic cows on the table] Father Ted: are very small; those [pointing at some cows out of the window] Father Ted: are far away...
blue alert? this is an emergency, step it up to red alert!.. are you sure sir? it does mean changing the bulb.. classic dwarf
"I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my father. Not screaming and terrified like his passengers." (Said on the advert which was broadcast after he had died) - bob monkhouse
Moss from IT Crowd; "Prepare to put mustard on those words, for you will soon be consuming them along with this slice of humble pie, that comes direct from the oven of shame, set at gas mark 'egg on your face'."
More Moss: Moss: (watching the football game) "Hooray, he's kicked the ball. Now the ball's over there. That man has the ball. That's an interesting development. Maybe he'll kick the ball. He has indeed. Apparently that deserves a round of applause."
There's a few good similes on Blackadder, here are just two that I can remember off the top of my head: "We've made no more progress than an asthmatic ant with heavy shopping." "The chances of that happening are lower than the ankle socks of a particularly small beetle - when he's standing in a ditch." I could suggest hundreds of things for this thread, as I'm sure we all could, I couldn't even narrow it down to one particular comedy, but I think Alan Partridge (and 'The Day Today' in which he appears) and Family Guy would have a few contenders.
Only Fools and Horses- scene where they're doing a weegie board Medium: A person has entered the room, it's a woman, tall, slender, long blonde hair, fingers covered with rings of ruby and gold, braclets adorn the wrists. Del: you know who that is don't you? Trigger: sounds like Jimmy Saville -------------------------------------------- When Boycie and Marlene want to adopt the German woman's kid Boycie: leave off Marlene, the babys brown. Marlene: So is Duke Boycie: But i ain't cliaming to be Duke's father Uncle Albert: There is a likeness though Marlene: We could say it's a throwback Boycie: For god sake Marlene, i might be able to con people into buying my cars, i might be able to convince them you were able to concieve and give birth in 7 days flat, but how am i supposed to persuade them my grandad was louis armstrong.
From Black Books: Customer: "I'm sorry but I didn't come in here to be insulted." Bernard: "Well I didn't ask for the job of insulting you. In another life, we could have been brothers. Running a small, quirky taverna in Sicily. Maybe we would have married the local twins instead of wasting each other's time here in this dump. But it was not to be. So hop it." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ From Blackadder III, after Baldrick burns the dictionary. Blackadder: Because you burnt it Baldrick! Baldrick: But then I'll go to hell forever for stealing! Blackadder: Baldrick, believe me: eternity in the company of Beelzebub, and all his hellish instruments of death, will be a picnic compared to five minutes with me... and this pencil... if we cannot replace this dictionary.
