Jokes?

Another very quiet day, both here and at work. Anyone got any jokes?

Had this text to me the other day

"Watching the news about the stricken cruise ship & the sky reporter said, "she's lying on her side with the gash the size of a tennis court"
I just happened to glance at the missus and now it's a ****in kicked off!!!

 

What do you call an Indian Elvis impersonator?

Amal Shukkup

 

What's the difference between Katie Price and the Titanic?

Only 1523 went down on the Titanic.

 

Just been to the barbers & asked for a 'Liverpool FC'...a mess at the back, nothing on the sides & **** all up front...he charged me £130 million!!!

 

I hate people who think they're worse off than everybody else, my mate Derek's brilliant, he lost his voicebox & both legs in a terrible accident.

Do who see him making a song and dance about it. No.

 

Oh James, really!

 

....I've just soiled myself.

 

Was wondering where the smell was coming from.

 

Old age is a terrible thing! The joke was pretty good too though don't you think!!

 

I was showing the doctor a nasty on my cock the other day, he seemed pretty uncomfortable and didn't want to touch it.

In the end he told me to book an appointment for Monday and carried on pushing his shopping trolley round Tesco.

 

Thought you got instant service in Tesco's.

 

Harry redknapp has been held in contempt of court. The judge warned him 5 times to stop winking and nodding at the jury....

 

What does Camilla take when she's got a bad stomach after swallowing too much of Charles' spunk?

Andrews.

Apologies for lowering the tone somewhat.

 

My missus swallowed during a blowjob for the first time in 2 years last night.

Doctors reckon it might a sign she's coming out of the coma.

 

Is that a joke or an anecdote??

 

She hasn't got er erm, gunge coming out of her ears has she?

 

Been done before but some of you might not have seen/heard it.


Note stuck to the fridge door

My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57
years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you
as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will
not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my
18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don 't be upset----I
shall be home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the
dining room table:

My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 57
years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are
also 57 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I
would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel
Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis
coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will
understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small
difference - 18 goes into 57 a lot more times than 57 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

 

Fair play to Harry Redknapp, I can't get my dog to sit and beg, let alone open an offshore bank account.

 

Why do female skydivers wear jock straps?

Stop them whistling on the way down

 

A hot Spanish girl sees Roman Abramovich & the Chelsea team sitting in a bar.

She asks Frank Lampard, "Will you sign my arm?" Frank signs it.

She asks John Terry "Will you sign my tits?" She pulls her top down and John signs.

She asks Abramovich "Will you sign my pussy?" She pulls her knickers down

Abramovich says "**** off, last time I signed a Spanish **** it cost me £50M!"