Teach your kid about Labour economics. Pay them £10 to clean the dishes. Then take £7 off them & give it to the kid next door for doing sod all
Running in your 50s is a great way to meet people. Today a friend of mine met 2 paramedics, 4 nurses, a cardiologist, and almost mẹt Jesus.
I asked the librarian if they had any books on amplifiers. She said, “Yes, what volume would you like?”
I went to the library and asked "Do you have a book about pantomimes"? The librarian replied........ "It's behind you"
Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says: "You know what I want, don't you?" "Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole feckin' bed by the looks of it!"
Winston Churchill said "if you're going through hell, keep going." Although he could be referring to Hull - but the same advice applies......
Fred had been suffering from terrible headaches for over twenty years. Finally, he went to see a specialist. After a long examination, the doctor said: “Fred, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is… it will require castration. You have a rare condition where your testicles press against your spine, causing severe headaches. Removing them is the only way to relieve the pressure.” Fred was stunned and devastated, but after years of pain, he agreed to the surgery. When he left the hospital, he felt strange and incomplete — but for the first time in decades, he had no headache. As he walked down the street, he decided he needed a fresh start. A new life. Maybe even a new wardrobe. He passed a men’s clothing store and thought, Why not? He walked in and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.” The elderly tailor looked him over and said, “You’re a size 44 long.” Fred laughed. “That’s right. How did you know?” “Been in the business sixty years,” the tailor said. Fred tried on the suit — it fit perfectly. “How about a shirt?” the tailor asked. Fred nodded, and the tailor studied him again. “34 sleeve, 16½ neck.” “Amazing,” Fred said. “Exactly right.” “Been in the business sixty years,” the tailor replied. After trying on the perfect shirt, Fred walked around the store feeling better already. Then the tailor asked, “How about some new underwear?” “Sure,” Fred said. The tailor looked him over and said, “Size 36.” Fred laughed loudly. “Got you there! I’ve worn size 34 since I was eighteen.” The tailor shook his head and said: “You can’t wear size 34. Size 34 would press your testicles right up against the base of your spine… and give you one terrible headache.”
