Q. What do you call a Celtic fan who has dressed up as a ghost for Hallowe'en? A. A smelly Fenian bastard! Don't let the costume fool you.
I love the top tips. "Two used teabags and a length of elastic, make an ideal pair of low cost swimming goggles." "Increase the weight of your husband's trousers, by tying onions to the belt loops."
MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire - then turn it down three notches. This saves your wife having to do it. DRIVERS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone while driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea. BANGING two pistachio nut shells together gives the' impression a very small horse' is approaching. DON'T waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite tune and I hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead. CINEMAGOERS: Have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by using the toilet before the film starts. DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way. PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by moving everything into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, move it all back again. CAR THIEVES: Don't be discouraged if nothing is on view. The valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat. RAPPERS: Avoid having to say: "Know what I'm sayin'" all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.
SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day. SINGLE MEN: Convince people you have a girlfriend by standing outside Topshop with bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside. EMPLOYEES: Only use the loo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid. SCROOGES: Save money at Christmas by returning last year's cards to the sender with the simple inscription "Same to you". MICRA DRIVERS: Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the thing like a sodding dodgem car anyway. ANGLERS: Attach a helium balloon to your line and bait the hook with an acorn. Then sit under a tree and "fish" for squirrels. An upturned laundry basket would make an ideal keep-net, but don't forget to throw the squirrels back into the tree at the end of the day. SINGLE MEN: Get a glimpse of married life by taping Woman's Hour on Radio 4, then playing it back at a higher volume than the TV while trying to watch something on Discovery Wings. TIGHT-ARSED blokes: Only date girls called Natalie, Carol, Holly or Eve. Chances are their birthday is around Christmas and you won't have to shell out for a present until then, by which time they will have chucked you.
