I'm struggling to decide between my two girlfriends . . . . one makes incredible pancakes, and the other writes beautiful poetry. Should I marry for batter or for verse
The alarm went off at 6am The wife said "Turn it off!" and went back to sleep I got up quietly, went to work and then rang the fire brigade
This morning I was watching a young lady struggling to back up her car so I offered to help. "F*ck off!" she yelled, "I can do it myself." "Please,I insist" I said, "This is my house and my f*cking living room."
My wife just passed her driving test and asked me to buy her something cheap to run around in... So I bought her some trainers from Lidl!
I said to my wife, "I'm getting you something small for xmas." She said, "Is it underwear?" I said, "Are you deaf? I said something small!"