My wife was trying to lose weight, so as a nice gesture, I bought her a healthy cook book. She used it as a spoon.
I'm not saying I come from an unlucky family, but my Grandad was shipwrecked and was picked up by the Titanic.
Little known fact there is a Patron Saint of checking bread rolls before removing from the oven. Saint John The Bap Test.
This Halloween I'm turning off the light and will pretend I'm not at home. F*ck the ships. My lighthouse, my rules
In the bed, on the sofa, on the dining table Enjoying having sex whenever we were able Bendy, stretchy, flexible and strong When and where did it all go wrong? Mrs Menopause arrived and said no more The only thing shagged is your pelvic floor Your libido has gone, it’s fallen off a cliff Aching joints are all that’s getting stiff If you do get in the mood then we have an issue You’ll have to comb out bits of toilet tissue Natural lubrication is no more Foreplay is opening the bedside drawer How very romantic, squeezing out the tube But what do you do if there is no lube? He races downstairs, a substitute in mind You wonder what on earth he will find Some crisp n dry - an insensitive name It doesn’t evoke passion and flame Feeling like an ancient you make a start Accompanied by a never ending fart He gives a moan and you feel aglow But alas, it’s only cramp in his toe After hopping round the room, you both agree There’s nothing better than a nice cup of tea. Copyright @middle age madness/Sarah Stenton
