I came second in the National Toe Sucking Championships last night. It was the first time that I’d ever tasted defeat !
My missus is going to a fancy dress party tonight, she went out yesterday and hired a costume. She said to me this morning "Wait there, I'll try it on and tell me what you think"? She came in,I looked at her and said "Wow, that's a fabulous costume, you will easily win a prize with that, it's the most realistic killer whale costume I've ever seen" She replied "I'm going as a f*cking nun, you b*stard"
I persuaded my wife to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her arse. I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.