A lorry carrying 20 tons of onions has overturned on the M25 motorway. Motorists are looking for a hard shoulder to cry on....
So I was pulled over by a police car today. The officer asked, "Do you know why I've pulled you over sir?" "No officer," I replied. "Well," he said, "This doesn't happen very often, but I've been following you for the last ten or so miles and your driving is exemplary. Correct road positioning, perfect observation and due regard for other road users". "Thanks," I said, "So you reckon it's worth me getting a licence then officer?"
So what they should really say on those daytime cooking shows: "Hello and welcome to 'pointless cooking that has nothing to do with anyone's actual life'. Today, we are making a very complicated recipe, using ingredients you don't have, utensils you've never heard of, and in a kitchen that is bigger than your whole house!!"
A local man has been admitted to hospital with a golf ball lodged in his bottom. His wife said its gone up a fairway.
This bloke in the pub said to me "F*ck me, that was a rough old bitch you were with last night . . . . not a patch on the women that I normally see you with. What on Earth ever possessed you to take her out ?" "I had to" I replied "it was our wedding anniversary."
Police officers have seized an uninsured ice-cream van after it was involved in a collision. The driver of the car that was hit sustained whippy lash.
I was watching the Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra last night, and the bloke on the triangle disappeared.
