Off Topic Jokes thread

A chap at my university very frequently used to mention that he owned a small estate on the outskirts of London.

I saw a picture one day. It was an old Mini Traveller parked in a side street in Leytonstone!

 

Two Irish lads are strolling down a street in Liverpool, England, when they spot a shop window that reads:
Suits £10, Jackets £7.50, Trousers and Dresses £5.00.
One turns to the other and says,
"Would ya look at those feckin' prices? We could buy a boatload, haul it back to Ireland , and make a fortune — double, maybe even treble the money!"
The other lad says,
"That’s a grand idea, but d’ya think they’ll sell to us if they know we’re Irish?"
The first lad grins and says,
"Don’t worry, I’ve got this," and walks in, putting on his finest English accent:
"Good afternoon! I'd like twenty suits, thirty jackets, fifty pairs of trousers, and twenty-five dresses, please."
The shop assistant squints and says,
"You’re Irish, aren’t you?"
The lad replies,
"Ah feck, how’d ya guess?"
The assistant smiles and says,
"This is a dry cleaners."

 

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14 hours in A&E after getting covered in camouflage paint and I still haven’t been seen.

 

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Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their position in life and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.
The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.
The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.
Number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis."
After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's to my parents house for two weeks."
The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me. It's not a Mercedes, he bought me a Fiat 500."
"Well," the third one says, "I also have a confession to make, canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg!"

 

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