Keir Starmer dies and stands in front of the pearly gates... Saint Peter says he will need to spend one day in hell. “It’s a requirement for people in your line of work,” he says. Scared of hell, Keir begins to try and charm Saint Peter into not going, but it’s no use. He drops him into the clouds, and the Keir falls in to Hell. He wakes up in a hotel room smelling bacon and hearing ocean waves crash. He opens his eyes to see a butler walking in with a Mai Tai, “Your drink, sir,” the butler says. “Who are you,” Keir says. “Satan!” He is too stunned to speak, so Satan fills the silence. “I know it's a shock, people expect the whole eternal misery, and really it’s just a lot of… what you would call, sins.” Satan hands over the Mai Tai, and the Keir hears his wife’s voice calling. He looks out the window to see his wife and all his best friends. The man realizes he looks and feels 20 again and runs outside with his drink. Surrounded by his friends and beautiful wife, he spends the day surfing, drinking, and catching up with everyone. The man and his wife, who haven’t seen each other in 6 years, talk and drink for hours before going to the room and making love like they did on their honeymoon. He is the happiest he’s ever been. And then he wakes up suddenly staring at the pearly gates again. Saint Peter starts, “Okay, what will it be?” “I can’t imagine there’s anything better than hell,” Keir says. “Well, heaven is the angels with gold wings, whole chorus singing and white robes thing,” St Peter says. “Ummmm… no, I’ll take Hell please,” responds Keir. “Yeah, that’s what people usually say,” Saint Peter says before dropping him again. Awakening to stifling darkness, distant screams pierce his ears. Flickering flames in the distance reveal tormented souls. A lightning flash exposes Satan beside him, wickedly grinning with a soldering iron and razor-wire. “Where’s my wife? Where are my friends and all the drinks?” Keir shouts in despair. Satan leans in, “Yesterday, we were campaigning. But now, you have just cast your vote, now you know how the UK feels.”
Poor **** has only been in the country a few days and settled in Liverpool, the thieving scouse bastards have nicked his wheels already.
I see his seat has been removed to help the LBTQ community, so it opens up the sphincter more so they don't have to exert themselves
"What the **** is that on the end of the rope"?.. "please sir, it is a camel".... "I was talking to the camel"
The missus just said what the **** is wrong with you, I said I'm bored so she said, if you're bored why don't you make a bird table, so I did, now she's ****ing moaning because I put her in 5th place
I've found that I sleep better when I sleep naked. I just don't understand why these flight attendants don't get that.
Got a note through my door today that read, "Meet me 8pm tonight behind the bus garage if you like having your c*ck sucked - signed Kinky School Girl xxx" So I went there, waited for ages. No one turned up. Went back home. My house had been burgled.
