A MAN AND WOMAN WERE MARRIED FOR MANY YEARS. Whenever there a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I'll dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. He died at the ripe old age of 98. After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?" The wife said, "LET HIM DIG. I HAD HIM BURIED UPSIDE DOWN...AND I KNOW HE WON'T ASK FOR DIRECTIONS."
Little Johnny had been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked his, "Grandma what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?" She was a little taken aback but she decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse darling." Little Johnny said "Oh OK" and went back outside to play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily "Grandma it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you.
BREAKING NEWS! Engineers have just made a car that can run on parsley… Now they're hoping to make buses that run on thyme!
So I went into my local workmen's café this morning and said: "Can I have a cold mug of tea, two bits of bacon so hard I can break a tooth, cold baked beans, two cold half cooked eggs and can you make sure the top comes off the salt and don't wash up the knife and fork". The woman serving says: "That sounds disgusting! There is no way we can do that!" I said: "You managed it yesterday!!"
My job search: My first job was working in an orange juice factory but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack but I just couldn't hack it so they gave me the axe. After that , I tried being a tailor but I wasn't suited for it.. mainly because it was a sew-sew job. Next, I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting. Then I tried being a chef. I figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn't have the thyme. Next I attempted being a deli worker but any way I sliced it, I just couldn't cut the mustard. My best job was a musician but I wasn't noteworthy. I studied a long time to become a doctor but I had no patients. Next I had a job in a shoe factory but no matter how hard I tried, I just didn't fit in. I became a professional fisherman but I discovered I couldn't live on my net income. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company but the work was too draining. So then I got a job in a workout center but they said I wasn't fit for the job. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
