I used to call the toilet, the John. I now call it the Jim. Boasting to my mates about how long I spend in the Jim gets a completely different reaction.
I was looking around for a thread where failure is rewarded royally but couldn't find one. Unbelievable tbh
My wife just asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I said, "I would really love a blow job." She said, "Well your dad asked me to find out so I will let him know!"
Lads, if your lass has a huge vagina, for heavens sake take my advice and don't mention it. I once put my foot right in it.
A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas." The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish? He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to Do?" The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box.
A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbucks one day comparing their two cultures. Over a double latte, Alexandros mentions proudly: "We built the Parthenon, you may recall, along with the Temple of Apollo." "Aye,” Paddy replies, “and it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices." "But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics", said Alexandros. "Granted,” Paddy concedes, “but it was the Irish who built the first timepieces." Knowing that he's about to deliver the coup de grace, Alexandros, the proud son of Athens points out with a note of finality: "Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!" "Aye! True enough,” Paddy rebuked, "but it was the Irish who got women involved."
It’s now got to the stage in my marriage where me and the wife have gone our separate ways and will be spending a considerable amount of time apart . . . . she’s gone shopping for shoes.
Dave, John and Paddy are working on some roadworks in the middle of the town centre. All of them are claiming benefits and working on the side. The foreman gives them their instructions and says "Remember if the inspector from the benifit fraud office catches you to give him a false name". Paddy says "Yes boss, but what if we can't think of one fast enough?" The foreman replies "Look, it's bloody easy, just look around and use one of the names of the shops". An hour passes and the benefit fraud officer turns up "Right then you three, you are under suspicion of working whilst claiming benefits. give me your names!" Dave looks around and says " David Woolworths". John looks around and answers "John Tesco". The inspector then turns to Paddy "And you, what's your name?" Paddy says "Ken!" The inspector says "And your second name?" Paddy replies "Tucky fried chicken".
