Keir Starmer dies and stands in front of the pearly gates... Saint Peter says he will need to spend one day in hell. “It’s a requirement for people in your line of work,” he says. Scared of hell, Keir begins to try and charm Saint Peter into not going, but it’s no use. He drops him into the clouds, and the Keir falls in to Hell. He wakes up in a hotel room smelling bacon and hearing ocean waves crash. He opens his eyes to see a butler walking in with a Mai Tai, “Your drink, sir,” the butler says. “Who are you,” Keir says. “Satan!” He is too stunned to speak, so Satan fills the silence. “I know it's a shock, people expect the whole eternal misery, and really it’s just a lot of… what you would call, sins.” Satan hands over the Mai Tai, and the Keir hears his wife’s voice calling. He looks out the window to see his wife and all his best friends. The man realizes he looks and feels 20 again and runs outside with his drink. Surrounded by his friends and beautiful wife, he spends the day surfing, drinking, and catching up with everyone. The man and his wife, who haven’t seen each other in 6 years, talk and drink for hours before going to the room and making love like they did on their honeymoon. He is the happiest he’s ever been. And then he wakes up suddenly staring at the pearly gates again. Saint Peter starts, “Okay, what will it be?” “I can’t imagine there’s anything better than hell,” Keir says. “Well, heaven is the angels with gold wings, whole chorus singing and white robes thing,” St Peter says. “Ummmm… no, I’ll take Hell please,” responds Keir. “Yeah, that’s what people usually say,” Saint Peter says before dropping him again. Awakening to stifling darkness, distant screams pierce his ears. Flickering flames in the distance reveal tormented souls. A lightning flash exposes Satan beside him, wickedly grinning with a soldering iron and razor-wire. “Where’s my wife? Where are my friends and all the drinks?” Keir shouts in despair. Satan leans in, “Yesterday, we were campaigning. But now, you have just cast your vote, now you know how the UK feels.”
