My grandad was a golfer, and his dying wish was to be buried under the local shop. He's now 6 under Spar !
I had a call from a scammer the other day. Me: “Hello.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.” Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?” NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.” Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?” NOT-Microsoft support: “It’s okay Sir. We can help you right now. Are you in front of your device Sir?” Me: “Yes. I was just about to use it. I’m glad you called.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes Sir, we are going to help you. Can you please push the Start button?” Me: “I think it’s already on.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Okay, Sir. Now you want to click on Control Panel.” Me: “I don’t see that.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Do you see a bunch of information above the Start button?” Me: “Yes.” NOT-Microsoft support: “That is your Control Panel.” Me: “Wow, I didn’t realise it had a name.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes Sir, now press on Internet Options.” Me: “Yeah, I definitely don’t see any Internet options. I don’t think I purchased that feature. This is just a cheap one.” NOT-Microsoft support: “They all have the Internet, Sir. Press the Start button again.” Me: “Okay, it’s the same as before.” NOT-Microsoft support: “That’s okay Sir. We are going to restart your device. Can you please turn it off?” Me: “Um … I don’t know how. I’ve never turned it off. Since I bought it, it just kind of stays on all the time.” NOT-Microsoft support: “There must be an off button on your device. How do you stop it when it’s running?” Me: “In those cases, I usually press the big button.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Okay sir. Please press that button.” Me: “Okay.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Is your device off?” Me: “No. The door popped open.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Door? Is there a disc inside the door?” Me: “No, there’s a burrito.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Why is there a burrito in your computer?” Me: “Computer? I thought you said this was microwave support.” Jokes for Seniors - We Luvem All!
My wife said, "Can you give me a hand with this zip." I went over and started trying to pull it up, "It's no good," I replied. "It's going to break if I keep trying." She said, "What am I going to do?" I said, "You'll have to sleep outside the tent you fat bitch
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing You're just like Frank.” Passenger: “Who?”Cabbie: “Frank Feldman… he's a guy who did everything right all the time Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.” Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.” Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy.” Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.” Cabbie: “There's more He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat them with. And he could fix anything Not like me -I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.” Passenger: “Wow, some guy then.” Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good He would never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.” Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?” Cabbie: “Well… I never actually met Frank . . . . but he died several years ago and I married his fecking wife.”
