Off Topic Just for Mr RAWhite

A British Gas engineer asked me the time . . . . I said "It’s between 8am and 5pm."

 

A woman walks into the Welfare office, followed by 15 kids.

“WOW” the Welfare officer exclaims, “Are they ALL yours?”

“Yeah, they’re all mine,” the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.

She says “Sit down Terry.” and all of the children rush to find seats.

“Well,” says the Welfare Officer “You must be here to sign up. I’ll need all of your children’s names.”

“This one’s my oldest – he is Terry.”

“Okay . . . . and who’s next?”

“Well, this one . . . . he is also Terry.”

The Welfare Officer raises an eyebrow, but continues. One by one, the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.

Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.

“All right,” says the Welfare Officer, “I’m seeing a pattern here. Are all of the girls called Terri, too?”

Their Mother replied, “Well, yes . . . . it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I shout “Terry!”, and when it’s time for dinner, I just shout “Terry!”, and they all come running.

If I need to stop one of them running into the road, I just shout "Terry" and all of them stop. It’s the best idea that I've ever had, naming them all Terry.”

The Welfare Officer thinks for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, “What if you just want one child to come, and not all of them?”

“I call them by their surnames.”

 

My cloning experiments finally paid off.

I'm so excited . . . . I'm beside myself.

 

Reminds me of a true story. My wife works with a woman who is very 'active' on the dating scene and usually has 3 or 4 blokes on the go at the same time.
The wife said to her "I don’t know how you remember the name of whichever one you're seeing, you must have called one of them the wrong name at some point".
The colleague replied "That's why I only date blokes called Dave"!

 

Took me a while

 

My wife was looking at an evening dress in an expensive shop,
"It's beautiful, isn't it?" she said.
"Yes, " I replied, "I wonder if they have it in your shape. "

 

Whilst considering buying contact lenses, the optician assured me they're no more difficult to put on than a condom is.
I tried this, and I have to say she was dead wrong.
I had to take out my whole eye to slip a condom on it.

 

It's so easy these days to find out if you're pregnant. You just piss on a stick and 30 seconds later you get the result.
Back in the day, it wasn't that easy.
Do you know how my dad found out my mum was pregnant?
My grandad went round and kicked his f*cking head in!!.

 

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