Off Topic Just for Mr RAWhite

Different shades making a difference to scare us

 

I've just attended the 'Annual stutterers dinner"
Every table has a microwave on it, to re-heat your meal after they have said grace.

 

The wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring.
"Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks.
"Well, she replies, "My boss and I played the lottery and we won, so I bought it with my share of the winnings."
A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat.
Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks.
She replies "My boss and I played the lottery and we won again, so I bought It with my share of the winnings."
Another week later, his wife comes home, driving a flaming red Ferrari.......You guessed it !!!
Her share of the lottery winnings....
That night, the wife asks her husband to run her a nice warm bath while She gets undressed.
When she enters the bathroom, she finds that there is barely enough water in the bath to cover the bath plug.
"What the f*ck is this?" she asks her husband.
"Well," he replies, "We don't want to get your f*cking lottery ticket wet, do we??"

 

My English teacher always used to tell me I was really thick.
And believe me, when she's straddling you in detention after school, that's quite a compliment for a 15 year old lad.

 

Puns about having a wee are my number one favourite . . . . and puns about poo are my number two favourite

Brought to you by my neighbours, Dai & Ria

 

Owldies are (sometimes) the best

Old Man Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him . . . . he’d never been to church in his life
After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said.
“Murphy, I am so glad that you decided to come to Mass. What made you come?”
Murphy said, “I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I misplaced my hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew that he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and thought that he would leave it at the back of the church, so I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat.”
The priest said. “Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat . . . . what changed your mind ?”
Murphy replied. “Well, after I heard your sermon about the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat after all.”
With a tear in his eye, the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said. “After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ you decided that you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell ?”
Murphy slowly shook his head. “No, Father . . . . after you talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’ I remembered where I left my hat.”