After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Asda. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfil. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Asda Dear Mrs. Preston Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Preston, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras: 1. March 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking. 2. April 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 3. April 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom. 4. April 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time; and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3. 5. May 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway. 6. May 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 7. May 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged. 8. May 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called. 9. June 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose. 10. June 6: While handling knives in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were. 11. June 8: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme. 12. June 9: In the auto department, he practised his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels. 13. June 10: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!' 14. June 12: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a foetal position and screamed; 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!' 15. June 13: Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room? And last, but not least: 16. June 14: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
Another group of happy tourists enjoying the Nessie tour on a scorching Scottish summer day please log in to view this image A fantastic day had by all . please log in to view this image
"Boobs man or arse man?" I was asked. I really should have got in there earlier when they were giving out super hero names....
