Thanks for the messages, means a lot. It is 100% the sudden and unexpected side of it which is so hard. If I had asked him the day before he would have told me he would be about at least 20 years yet and enjoying a well earned retirement. He was planning ways to retire soon, downsizing etc.. I'm beyond words devastated he didn't get to do it as the only complaint he ever had in life was "that jobs too much for me now!"
My condolences to you and your family. Please reach out if you feel the need, there are lot's of good listeners out there, more than willing to help Take care
So sorry for your loss mate, thoughts are with you all. We're a good bunch of listeners on here if you need us.
I've thought long and hard whether to post this. You see my parents were old school, you take the knocks and get back up again and I learnt from that and either rightly or wrongly do the same. When my dad died 20 odd years ago, I didn't really have time to grieve properly - my mam has never really been right since I was little so I made sure she was ok, then there was work, so I banged the overtime in and then football and social life on top of that. So when my mam was diagnosed with dementia, I kinda doubled down. I worked continental shifts so I got the time off during the week to help her out. She was basically fine in her own environment but as the years went on, it became more and more difficult. The wife and step daughter helped out at times when I was on shift. I was lucky I had the wife looking after my back and she made me take time away (after long arguments) but in the end without me realising it was starting to get on top of me. We hired carers to go in and make my mam meals but for the amount of time they were in and what they made it was basically a waste of time and money. I thought we lost her one year, she was diagnosed with pneumonia and was in a bad way but that fighting Horden spirit came through and she made it. Then roughly a year later, on a day I'll remember for the rest of my life, the worst thing happened. I went up to help her, the carers supposedly made her something to eat but she didn't eat it and I snapped slightly. I told her that I couldn't do this anymore but you could tell she wasn't too good. Phoned the NHS line and after a while was told to take her to North Tees hospital. All the way there and while we were sitting, she was saying that she didn't know why she was there cos there was nothing wrong with her even though her breathing wasn't the best. Even when she was being examined, she was insiting she was fine. I was told that she would be admitted but they were waiting for a bed to become available. It was then I made a decision that I've regretted since - although I'm not too sure it was me that really made it. I wouldn't call myself spiritual but I've been on ghost hunts and I've experienced things that I can't really explain and I think this is amongst those things. The decision I made was to rush back to my mam's to get her nightwear and toiletries for the night to make her comfortable - I still don't know why I came to that decision especially as I could've brought them in when I visited next. So I basically sped to Horden and back the quickest I could, they had moved her to a ward where I was met by a doctor who told me that if she didn't wake up they weren't going to resusitate her. I was confused and totally shocked, she was awake and saying she was fine when I left and now she was slipping away. They moved her into a side ward and I stayed with her. People say that loved ones come to fetch you when you die and I'm convinced that was happening - its that paranormal stuff again. My mam's arms looked like they were being lifted up even though she wasn't really awake but she was shaking whoever off her and then after a bit they were lifting up again. When I'm around strong energy that I can't see I get a pain in the back of my head and that night it was the most painful I've ever felt. i had to keep leaving the room. I remember the time my mam died vividly - 01:32. That was the time I went down to the car park to renew the parking ticket. When I came back to the ward, doctors and nurses were filing out of her room. She had waited till I was nowhere near. And that's where the guilt hit me the hardest, guilty of snapping at her and maybe starting this chain of events, rushing back to get her nightwear when I could've waited till another day and on top of that guilty of not really grieving over my dad when he died. Everything hit me all at once and when I got home drank half a bottle of Southern Comfort in half an hour until the wife took it off me, hid it and made me go to sleep on the couch. They say over time things get easier and I suppose they do but is it not just that you learn to live with the feelings you have. I think of both my parents now and again - usually when its quiet and those feeling raise their heads up so you have to fight them back down. But if its any consolation to anyone on here who has lost someone, all our loved ones are still around us. I can't explain it but I've felt them and even smelt them. Recently I kept smelling cigarette smoke when neither of us actually smoke. My wife wanted to go to see a medium at our local so we went, not expecting anything. My dad came through and the smelling of smoke was mentioned - it seemed like it was him trying to get my attention. I haven't smelt the smoke since. Sorry for the long post. Like I said at the beginning I learnt from a young age to take the knocks and get on with it - maybe writing it down is another way of dealing with it
To tell you the truth, it doesn't feel that I did enough. I know that I was always fighting a losing battle in a scenario like that but I always feel that I let them both down. Thanks for the kind words though
Everyone in those circumstances feels they have fallen short mate. This is very well known. And often it is those who have done the most who feel the worst.
Funerals are obviously sad but they can also be uplifting. Spending time with others who knew and loved our family members or friends who’ve passed I’ve always found therapeutic. Hope you have good people around to continue to support you. Sorry for your loss, best wishes.
Great but an emotional rollercoaster of a story. I had a similar experience when my Dad called me to say that my Mum who had been in hospital over a bank holiday weekend, the doctors had called to say that he was driving to pick her up. I knew he mustn't of heard them properly as Doctors generally don't call you to say a patient can leave a 09:30 on a bank holiday Monday. 20mins later, he called me again saying you need to go a pickup your brother and get down to the hospital. We arrived and my beautiful Mum had passed some 15min earlier. It was if she didn't want to put on us. We think that the doctors had told her that the cancer was terminal but she kept it to herself and waited until she was alone before passing. I think of her everyday and this has been since that day in 2018. Thanks for your story, it's strange how sometimes people find comfort in others (even strangers) stories.
It is strange how different scenarios have similar outcomes at times. I'm glad it's given you some comfort. I'm not really one to write stuff like that down but if its helped you in some way, I'm glad I did
Hope you got through the day OK mate, lost my Dad 3 years ago, if there one bit of advice I wish I could have been given back then was, just feel how you feel. That might sound strange but I spent so much time trying to work out how I should be feeling, when really there are no rules. At times its OK to feel OK, don't feel guilty. I'm sure there will be times in months to come when it just hits you again and your overcome with emotion. That's ok too. There were times a year or 2 after he passed , actually even now when I'm just an emotional wreck that's fine too. This may seem a long winded but what I'm trying to say is don't try and work out how you should feel on a day to day basis, as each one will be completely different. Stay strong and look after yourself and your family mate
Thank you mate, I'm doing ok. Whenever I have a moment I soon remember the good times we have had, especially since we moved home. I realise I'm also incredibly lucky to have been able to spend quality time with dad, some dont get that chance. This thread sums it up perfectly that it's OK to not be ok and there's a lot of people there to lean on. As dad taught me, we look after our own and the safc family do that better than anyone
