A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely. At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account. At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'. 'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier. The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.' 'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?' The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously: 'I think so. Provided those ****ers at Jewsons deliver the ****ing bricks on time.'
A hungry bloke walks into a seedy cafe in Glasgow ...... He sits at the counter and notices a Jock with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of chilli. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the hungry bloke bravely asks, "If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I do?" The old Jock slowly turns his head toward the young bloke and says, "Nah, ye can gae ahead." Eagerly, the young bloke reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chilli. The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chilli back into the bowl. The old Jock says:- "Aye, that's as far as I got too".
It Snowed Last Night 8:00 am: I made a snowman. 8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman. 8:15 - So, I made a snow woman. 8:17 - My feminist neighbour complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere. 8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead. 8:22 - The transgender man/women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts. 8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with. 8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white. 8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up. 8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended. 8:42 - The feminist neighbour complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role. 8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction. 8:45 - TV news crews from BBC, ITV, CNN and SKY showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist. 9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather. 9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services. 9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested. By Noon it had all melted Moral: There is no moral to this story. It is exactly what we have become.....all caused by Snowflakes. God help us!
Gilbert O'Sullivan visits his bank. Manager says."Good morning Mr O'Sullivan, what can we do for you today". Gilbert replied. "A loan again Naturally"
Dude has a flat chested wife and the marriage is in trouble, they decide to go to a marriage councillor. Councillor ask's what he thinks the main problem is, dude says. "Dolly Parton here thinks I'm sarcastic"
Paddy tells the locals in the pub he is selling his car. Fella tells Paddy to wind the mileage clock back so he could get more money for it. Next week he is in the pub and someone asks him if he sold the car yet. Paddy says no I decided to keep it when the mileage was so low.
Woman out shopping see's a sign in a shop window that reads "Fanny licking frog for sale". Her curiosity gets the better of her, so she walks in and asks the dude at the counter. "Can I see the fanny licking frog". Dude say's Bonjour.
Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there." Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed and says: "Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you." Shortly after that, Joe passes on. At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike... Mike..." "Who is it?" Asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "Mike. It's me, Joe..." "You're not Joe. Joe just died." "I'm telling you, it's me, Joe." insists the voice. "Joe! Where are you?" "In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news." "'Tell me the good news first," says Mike. "The good news," Joe says, "is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired." "'That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what could possibly be the bad news? " "You're in the team for Saturday."
Teacher asks the class, "Can you say a sentence with dandelion in it. Little fellow from African heritage says. "Yes. The Cheetah can run faster dan de lion."
A group of four-year-olds were trying hard to get used to school. The biggest challenge? The teacher insisted on NO baby talk! “You need to use Big People words,” she reminded them. “John, what did you do over the weekend?” “I went to visit my Nana.” “No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use Big People words!” Then she asked Mitchell. “I took a ride on a choo-choo.” “No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use Big People words!” Then she asked little Johnny. “I read a book,” he said. “That’s WONDERFUL! What book did you read?” Johnny thought very hard, puffed out his chest, and proudly said: “Winnie the ****”
