The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger...In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days. "Before I kill you, I grant you three requests. What is your FIRST request?' The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the Horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse. But I will still kill you in two days." "What is your SECOND request?" The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your LAST request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse...alone." The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen Very Carefully!!! "FOR...THE...LAST...TIME..." "BRING POSSE"
When I was young I was scared of the dark. Now when I see my electric bill I am scared of the lights....
I had an appointment with a fortune teller this morning. She told me a lot of money was coming my way. I left all excited and got run over by a Securicor van!
I was on a date last night and she said to me "I only slept with 3 guys before meeting you". I said "Bloody hell love, I was only half an hour late!".....
My friend sometimes puts her favourite chocolate bars in different wrappers. She got a bit mixed up yesterday and got her snickers in a twix.
My grandfather drowned in a vat of beer at the brewery he worked in. It took him 3 hours to die, it would have been quicker but he kept getting out to go to the toilet
I phoned my boss this morning. "I'm on the train heading to the south coast now." "What?" He answered, sounding a bit annoyed. "It's 5 o' clock in the morning! What are you doing on a train?" "You tell me," I replied. "You're the one who told me to be in Brighton early this morning!"
Naked A beautiful young woman very liberated, walks into a bar completely naked. She stands in front of the bartender and says "Serve me a cold beer!" The bartender serves her the beer and stares at her, not moving. "What wrong?" she says "Have you ever seen a naked woman?" "Yes, many times!" the bartender replies Then what do you look? the woman asks. "I want to see where you're going to get the money to pay for beer!"
Our local greengrocers is called Mamas 'n' Papas. I bought a head of lettuce from there the other day, but couldn't eat it 'cos all the leaves were brown !
I have learned that if you upset your wife, she nags you, but if you upset her even more, you get the silent treatment. Does anyone else think it's worth the extra effort?
Flight Fact: Ryanair have won ‘the most unpopular airline’ trophy 6 years in a row. If they win it again next year, they'll break the record set by the Luftwaffe !
A woman couldn't keep a boyfriend so she went to the doctor and told him. He said strip off and stand away with your back to the wall. She did this then he said, 'Now bend over and look at me through your legs. She did this and he said, 'You've got Zacharies disease' She said 'What's that' He said, 'Your face look Zachary like your arse'
So a fella walks into a pub with a biscuit tin and a mouse. He says to the barman: "Watch this". He sticks the mouse on top of the biscuit tin and it starts dancing. The barman says: "Blimey, how long does he dance for?" "As long as you like," said the fella. "I’ll give you £50 for it" says the barman. "Sold," said the fella. That night the fella gets a call from the barman. "How do we stop the mouse dancing, the tapping is driving us mad?" The fella says: "Lift the lid off the biscuit tin and blow out the candle".
Asked my wife if the cup was half full, or half empty. She told me “For the last time, stop wearing my bras”.
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Asda. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfil. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Asda Dear Mrs. Preston Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Preston, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras: 1. March 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking. 2. April 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 3. April 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom. 4. April 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time; and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3. 5. May 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway. 6. May 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 7. May 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged. 8. May 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called. 9. June 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose. 10. June 6: While handling knives in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were. 11. June 8: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme. 12. June 9: In the auto department, he practised his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels. 13. June 10: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!' 14. June 12: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a foetal position and screamed; 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!' 15. June 13: Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room? And last, but not least: 16. June 14: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
