Sorry to moan on here but I’m absolutely ****ing fed up with people whinging up about the prices of things. £1.50 for tea, £1.75 for coffee, £2 for a slice of cake and £2.50 for parking. Any more complaints and honest to God I will stop inviting my friends to my house!
A mother in-law said to her sons wife when the baby was born "I don't mean to be rude but he doesn’t look anything like my son" The daughter inlaw lifted her skirt and said... "I don't mean to be rude either but this is a fanny not a ****ing photo copier !!"
A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET. HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP. THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK.. BUT ABOUT EVERY 10 SECONDS OR SO HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND. HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE." BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MUMMY... I JUST HAVEN'T DONE IT YET." MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES. BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?" BILLY SAYS: "IT WORKS ON THE TOMATO SAUCE BOTTLE!"
Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training. After the first day they met up in the bar. "Ah, Francois," asks one, "ow 'av you been doing?" "Merde!" answers Francois. "I 'av 'ad ze most terrible day. Terrible! At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me out of bed and on to ze parade ground." "And zen what 'appened?" "I will tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform two metres off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!" "And did you jurmp?" "I did not. I told 'im - "I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp Two metres. Eet is beneath my dignity." "And zen what 'appened?" "Zen 'e made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform five metres off ze ground, and 'e said "Jurmp." "And did you jurmp?" "I did not. I told 'im - "I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp five metres. Eet is beneath my dignity." "What 'appened zen?" "Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform thirty metres above ze parade ground. 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous weely, and 'e said 'If you do not jurmp, I am going to steek zis right urp your burme!'" "Sacre Bleu, mon ami. And did you jurmp?" "A leetle, at ze beginning.".
A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off. "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off." "Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."
A trucker came into a truck stop restaurant and placed his order. “I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.” The brand-new waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, “This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. … What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?” “No,” the cook said. “Three flat tires means three pancakes; a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up; and a pair of running boards is two slices of crisp bacon!” “Oh … OK!” replied the waitress. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. The trucker asked, “What are the beans for?” She replied, “I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!”
An interesting concept? You might not know this...but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples: FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in...but you can see right through them. PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off....it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed...but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons. TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object... Because to get them to go anywhere.....you have to light a fire under their arse. SPONGES: These are female..because they are soft......squeezable and retain water. WEB PAGES: Female...because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on. TRAINS: Definitely male... Because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.. EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because....over time...all the weight shifts to the bottom. HAMMERS: Male..... Because in the last 5000 years.....they've hardly changed at all...and are occasionally handy to have around. THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male...but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it...and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push...he just keeps trying
