Off Topic Just for Mr RAWhite

A teacher is explaining biology to her school pupils, and says "Did you know that Human beings are the only creatures that stutter."

A little girl raises her hand, saying "I once had a kitten that stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to explain.

"Well," she began, "I was in the back garden with my kitten, and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew It, he jumped over the fence into our garden."

The teacher exclaimed "That must've been scary !"

The little girl said, "It sure was . . . . my kitty raised her back, went 'Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say '****' the Rottweiler ate her !"

 

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A man takes his seat in the theatre, but he is too far from the screen so he whispers to the usher “This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I’ll give you a big tip.”

The usher moves him into the front row, and the man rewards him with a measly pound coin.

The usher looks at his tip for a second and then leans over and whispers to the man “The wife did it.”

 

A man dies, and at his funeral the 6 pallbearers are carrying his coffin into the graveyard when they bump into a wall and drop the coffin.
They hear a moaning from inside the coffin, and they open it and find that the man is still alive !
He lives for another 10 years, after which he dies for real.
Again, at his funeral the 6 pallbearers are carrying the coffin into the graveyard, when his wife shouts "Don't hit the wall."

 

This is bad !

I couldn’t find my car keys and my wife said that I need to look harder, so I shaved my head, got a load of tattoos and a pit bull, but I still can’t find them.

 

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Those ****ers mate £140k from the 35k Sunderland tickets alone on Saturday just from a print at home fee and a booking fee. The absolute robbing bastards.

They say it's for hardware and software in support of the ticketing system so they must replace it every time there is a big game on that logic.

Rant over

 

When I was young I was scared of the dark.

Now when I see my electric bill I am scared of the lights !

 

Wife: "Why do you always answer a question with a question ?"
Husband: "What if I know the answer but don't want to tell you ?"

 

I've decided to begin searching for my birth mother. I realize, of course, that I may never find her - but that’s the risk I took when I drove her to IKEA.

 

For those struggling with English:
Don’t - do not.
Won’t - wo not.