I've just bought the latest, most expensive sex doll on the market, they even say you can't tell it from the real thing. It came yesterday, so I unpacked it, charged it up and switched it on. The f*cker said she had a headache....
After another row between us my wife broke the silence by saying, "This isn't working, is it?" It was like a huge weight had been lifted of me and I turned to her and said, "Thank God you feel the same way! The thought of living in a loveless marriage for another 20 years was overwhelming me. I'll get the divorce proceedings kicked off first thing in the morning." As tears welled up in her eyes, she replied, "I was talking about the microwave..."
A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decides to test it at dinner. He asks his son, "Son, where were you today during school hours?" "At school." The robot slaps the son. "Okay, I went to the movies!" The father asks, "Which one?" "Harry Potter." The robot slaps the son again. "Okay, I was watching porn!" The father replies, "What? When I was your age I didn't even know what porn was!" The robot slaps the father. The mom chimes in, "Haha! After all, he is your son!" The robot slaps the mother.
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher told her that it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because, even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small. The little girl mentioned that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human . . . . it was physically impossible because of what she'd just told her. The little girl said, “When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah.” and the teacher asked “What if Jonah went to hell ?” The little girl replied “You can ask him.”
