3 boys are talking in the playground. The 1st boy says, "My Dad's the fastest man in the world." "How do you know that?" Asks the other boys. "Because he can fire a bow and arrow and run and catch it!" He replies. "That's nothing," says the 2nd boy. "My Dad can fire a gun and run and catch the bullet!". "That's nothing says the 3rd boy, "My Dad works for the Council. He finishes work at 4.30 and he's in the house for 2.00pm."
3 blokes go to Heaven, as they get to the gates, God says to them "your quality of vehicle for up here is going to based on how well you treated your wife" So man number 1 says "I never ever cheated on my wife!" So God gave him a Lamborghini Man number 2 says: "I only cheated on my wife a tiny bit" So God gave him a used car Man number 3 says: "I’m sorry Sir, I cheated on my wife all the time" So God reluctantly chucks him the keys to an old motorcycle After they all receive their vehicles, Man number 1 is seen crying his eyes out, God asks him "what’s the matter? You’ve got the best vehicle of all!" He replied "I've just seen my wife over there on bloody roller skates"
I took the wife to an art gallery today, she was looking at picture when she said, "I suppose this monstrosity is what you call art." I said, "Nope, that's a mirror!"
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he’s 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting nearby. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors—green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. Every time the teen looked over, he’d catch my dad still staring. Eventually, the teenager had enough and sarcastically asked, “What’s the matter, old man? Never done anything wild in your life?” Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food to avoid choking on his comeback. I knew he’d have a good one—and, of course, in classic fashion, he didn’t even blink when he replied: “Got drunk once and had a wild night with a parrot. Just wondering if you were my son.”
My pet bear has been suffering from terrible diarrhoea. The vet called me to say he’s a lot better but he’s not out of the woods yet......
I asked this elderly Scottish fella why he was using 2 massive frozen chips as walking sticks. He replied: “They’re McCains!”
I did my first Gig as a stand up comedian at an old people's home last night. They didn't get any of my jokes, but they still pissed themselves anyway.......
I'm not using Amazon anymore! I ordered grain for my chickens. But after I got it, they sent an email asking for my feedback.....
A Polar Bear goes to see his doctor. He is wearing high heels, bra, thong, dress, make up etc. He says to the doctor "I don't know what's wrong with me, I cant stop dressing like this" Doctor looks at him and says "Ahhh, I can see the problem, you're Bi-Polar"...........
A Cadburys lorry and a Lego lorry have crashed on the M25 motorway this morning. Police say the road is choc a block.
