A bloke is driving down the motorway making a delivery of monkeys to the zoo and his van breaks down He tries to fix it himself but can’t manage so he rings the RAC. While he is waiting Paddy pulls in behind him and asks him if he needs a hand. The bloke says “I’m supposed to be taking these monkeys to the zoo, but the van has broken down”. He looks at Paddy’s van and sees that it’s empty. So he says, Paddy, “I’ll give you £50 if you take these monkeys to the zoo for me”. Paddy says that he will so they load up the van and he sets off. Two hours later, the bloke is still waiting for the RAC to attend and he sees Paddy pull up in his van, loaded with monkeys. The bloke says “Paddy, I gave you £50 to take those monkeys to the zoo, what happened”? Paddy replied “well I took them to the zoo and still had a few quid left, so I thought I would take them to the cinema as well”.
A man had been married to his wife for twenty years. As time had passed, his sex life had naturally deteriorated but now it was starting to get him down. No longer could he make his wife orgasm. One day, the man decided to do something about it so he went to see his doctor. The doctor suggested he add a little romance back into the relationship - a nice meal, candles, mood music and the like. The man was skeptical but, that evening, he gave it a shot. He really pulled out all the stops but, when he came to the bedroom, there was again no action from the wife. He went back to see the doctor the next day. The doctor was disappointed the trick hadn't worked but told the man not to worry. The doctor suggested he try again but this time get a young Adonis-like man to stand beside them and waft them with a towel. At first, the man didn't like the sound of it, but the doctor persuaded him to give it a go. He found a number for a male escort agency and arranged for their top man to come around that evening. All was going to plan but, when they came down to business, there was still no climaxing, no matter how much the young man waved the towel. Now, as you can imagine, this was starting to rile the man no end. He stormed back to the doctor. The doctor was obviously mortified that it hadn't worked so he suggested the man repeat the trick but perhaps this time he swaps roles with the escort. The man was at his wit's end so gave it one last try. That evening, the man cooked his wife a fantastic meal. Shortly after they had finished, the escort arrived and they headed up to the bedroom. The man took up his position with the towel while his wife and the escort got down to business. Sure enough, within minutes his wife was groaning and writhing with ecstasy. The man was clearly satisfied with his work, so he lent over and whispered in the escort's ear, "You see mate, that's how you wave a f*cking towel!"
My son is three years old and yesterday I took him shopping. When we got home, he had a chocolate bar in his pocket. Now, I didn't buy it and he certainly didn't buy it, so I marched him straight back to the shopping centre and let him loose in the jewellers.
Shops seem to stock seasonal products earlier & earlier each year. Today I saw some birthday cards, but my birthday isn't until November . . . . that's blinking ridiculous
