I like my women like I like my coffee Strong ….dark ….on the corner of the street and I’m not willing to pay more than £2.50
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Irish man answered his door to find a grim-faced constable waiting in the front yard. "We're sorry, Mr. O' Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife, Maureen" said the officer. "Tell me! Did you find her?" Michael Patrick O'Flynn asked. The constable said, "I have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?" Fearing the worst, Mr. O' Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first." The constable said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but early this morning we found your poor wife's body in the bay." "Lord sufferin' Jesus and Holy Mother of God!" exclaimed O' Flynn. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What could possibly be the good news?" The constable continued, "When we pulled the late, departed poor Maureen up, she had 12 of the best-looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch." Stunned, Mr. O' Flynn demanded, "Glory be to God, if that's the good news, then what's the really great news?" The constable replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."
My pet bear has been suffering from terrible diarrhoea. The vet called me to say that he’s a lot better, but he’s not out of the woods yet !
I took my wife to an art gallery yesterday and she said is this monstrosity of a picture called art ? I replied no its a mirror.
A teacher asks her class what their parents do for a living. Mary says, "My dad's a doctor." The teacher says, "That's great, can you spell doctor?" "Yes, miss," replies Mary, "it's D-O-C-T-O-R." "Well done," says the teacher, "Who's next?" Billy puts his hand up and says, "My dad is in the police and he's a constable." "That's very good, Billy," says the teacher. "Can you spell constable?" "Yes, miss, it's C-U-N ..." at which point the teacher interrupts and says "No, Billy, try again." "OK, miss, it's C-U-N ..." at which point the teacher jumps in again and says to Billy, "Not quite, why don't you practice in your spelling book and we'll come back to you in a minute? Right, who's next?" "My dad works as a bookie, miss," says little Johnny. "Oh," replies the teacher. "Can you spell bookie?" To which little Johnny replies, "No, miss, but I'll give you 5/4 on that Billy writes c*nt in that book."
