Pubs are being allowed to stay open until 1am on VE Day this year. This means that if you’re in Spoons you’ll need to leave your table by 11.50pm to reach the toilets in time.
I was working on a building site and the delivery driver said 'Why won't you sign for these elevators ?' I said 'I'm not allowed to accept lifts off strangers.'
My car's fan belt snapped and I had no money on me to buy another. Luckily though, there was a pair of the girlfriend's tights in the glove compartment. A quick w*nk soon took my mind off how skint I am.
I was trying to get home in time for the football the other night, but I was being held up by a learner driver. She was driving really slowly and kept stalling. "Come on you stupid tw*t!" I shouted. "Get a f*cking move on!" She started crying and said it would be her last lesson with me!
This is a message to the teacher who said that I'd never amount to anything. That was just a lucky guess ya tw*t.
My wife just heard the ice-cream van outside and said, "Any chance of buying me one?" "No," I said. "You can't even drive."
FOR SALE: Bespoke Mercedes cabriolet. One careful owner. Suit head of church or similar. May convert to bread van.
A blind man went to a restaurant. menu sir? asked the owner. I’m blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order. The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man. The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables. Unbelievable, thought the owner. The blind man ate and left.!Two weeks later the blind man returned. The owner, wanting to know how good his smell is, quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Brenda was cooking and said, do me a favor and rub this fork over your private part which she did. He then goes to the blind man and gives him the fork. The blind man takes it and puts it to his nose and says, bloody hell! I never knew Brenda worked here............
