I've been helping Art Garfunkel extend his kitchen, and was putting the concrete down for the floor but there was loads of air pockets in it so it was all uneven. I ended up putting some white goods over the top to hide it. Now he's got a fridge over bubbled mortar.
Mick & Paddy walk past a cemetery, Mick says "I know exactly how many dead bodies there are in that there cemetery!" Paddy says "Go on, how many?" Mick says "All of them!"
OLD BUT GOLD One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, 'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows up?' The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.
A man was cruising along a duel carriageway doing 40mph in his new sports car when he looked in his rear view mirror and spotted a chicken running along the road behind him. The man was amazed but curious so he kept an eye on the chicken in his mirror. All of a sudden the chicken put it’s right wing out ran into the overtaking lane and ran past the man in his sports car, once past, it put it’s left wing out and ran back into the inside lane, ahead of the man in his sports car. As the chicken ran past him the man noticed that it had three legs. The man thought to himself “I’m not having this,” so he indicated and pulled out into the overtaking lane and drove past the three legged chicken, indicated again once more and pulled back into the inside lane. Now doing 60mph he smiled to himself, happy that irrespective of how many legs a chicken had it couldn’t run this fast. He relaxed to enjoy the rest of his drive. Smiling to himself he looked into his rear view mirror only to see the chicken put it’s right wing out and overtake him once again. Furiously the man accelerated up to 70mph and went past the chicken then pulled back into the inside lane. He took another glance in his mirror thinking that no chicken could run that fast, but saw the chicken put it’s right wing out, run into the outside lane and past the him again. Once past, the chicken put it’s left wing out and ran back into the inside lane. The man was apoplectic, he accelerated as hard as he could with his foot flat to the boards, but couldn’t catch the chicken which had gradually increased it’s speed and the gap between them. It didn’t matter how hard the man tried he couldn’t get anywhere near it. By now the man was doing 80mph, but the chicken was still pulling away from him and it was impossible to catch it. The chicken was just about out of sight, he could see it on the horizon, when it suddenly slowed down, put it’s left wing out, pulled off the duel carriage way and ran down a farm track. The man indicated left and pulled off the road and followed it down the track just in time to see the chicken run under a gate and into a farmyard. The man pulled up outside the farmyard gate, and spotted a farmer walking across the yard. He told him that he had just had an amazing encounter with a three legged chicken, he had followed it for miles along the duel carriageway, without being able to catch it, then down this track and into the farmyard. The farmer said that he bred them specially and had dozens of them. The man asked him why he would breed three legged chickens, the farmer explained that he had two sons and all three of them liked to eat a chicken leg so instead of killing two chickens and wasting a leg, they decided to breed three legged chickens so they could have one leg each. The man said, “that’s amazing, what do they taste like?” The farmer said…. “I don’t bloody know, we haven’t managed to catch one yet”.
Olaf the Viking is shopping at iceland supermarket when he comes across an old lady in a wheelchair, almost in tears. "What's the matter?" asks Olaf. "Oh," sobs the old lady "I want to have a look at the frozen puddings but as you can see, there are three steps down to the chiller cabinets." "No problem." says Olaf taking her onto his back "I'll take you." Olaf strolls through the chiller cabinets with the old lady on his back. She selects several puddings and puts them in the basket he is carrying for her. At the other end, the old lady's husband is waiting for her with her wheelchair. "I'd really like to thank you." says the old lady as Olaf sets her back down in the chair "but I don't even know who you are!" Olaf just waves and walks off. "I was really worried about you, " comments the old lady's husband "What have you been doing?" "I've been through the desserts on a Norse with no name."
I went to my local Costa Coffee shop this morning and said to the barista: "Can I have a cappuccino please?" She said: '"Is that to sit in?" I said: "No, I'm going to drink it."
Similar to a gag on Early Doors I watched the other night... "Duffy, Janice's kids yours isn't it..." "Nah Joe, I took precautions... I told her I'd had the snip".
My dog swallowed a good few of my Scrabble tiles, so I took him to Vet to get him checked out . . . . there's been no word yet !
