A man goes to hospital feeling really unwell.The Doctor performs some tests and says, "I am afraid you have a very rare and very contagious disease, we"re transferring you to a room where you will be fed a diet of Pizza, toast and pancakes.""Will that cure me?" asks the man."No," says the Doctor, "it"s the only food we can pass under the f*cking door!"
A woman is sitting at her husband’s funeral when A man says to her, “Do you mind if I say a word?” “No, go ahead” the woman replies. The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora” and sits back down. “Thank you” the woman says. “That means a lot”.
What do you call the s3xuality where you're attracted to men and women but neither are attracted to you? Bi-yourself.
A doctor buys the best & most expensive car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO, costing him £300,000, and he takes it out for a spin. Stopping at a red light, an old man on a moped pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car's that, sonny ?" The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost over a quarter of a million pounds." "That’s a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much ?" "Because it can do up to 250 miles an hour." says the doctor, proudly. The moped driver asks, "Can I have a quick look inside ?" "No problem" replies the doctor. The old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, says, "That’s a pretty nice car all right, but I’ll stick with my moped." Just then the lights change, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror, wondering what it could be, then suddenly WHOOSH . . . . something whips by him going much faster. "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari ?" the doctor asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped. Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it some more and passes the moped at 210 mph. WHOOSH ! He’s feeling pretty good, until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN. Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors it, taking the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again. The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do. Suddenly, the moped ploughs into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops, jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my gosh . . . . is there anything that I can do for you ?" "Yeah" The old man whispers "You can unhook my braces from your wing mirror."
