When our lawn mower broke my wife kept nagging me to get it fixed. But, I always had something else to take care of. Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point. I found her seated in the tall, unmowed grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
A French police officer stops a Limerick man's car and asks if he has been drinking. With great difficulty, the Limerick man admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter was married just that morning, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception, and many single malt scotches there -after. Quite upset, the police officer proceeds to breath test the Limerick man and verifies that he is indeed completely hammered. He asks the Limerick man if he knows why, under French law, he is going to to be arrested. The Limerick man answers "No sir, I do not, but while we're asking questions, do you realise that this is an Irish car and my wife is in the driver's seat on the other side ?"
The wife was getting dressed up for a night out with her mates, walked into the lounge and asked me to rate her. "8 or 9 at least." I said. "Out of 10?" she smiled... "Thanks, Babe, I'm flattered." Didn't have the heart to tell her I meant pints.
A YORKSHIREMAN walks into the dentist and asks how much it will cost to extract a tooth. "You're looking at about £350" the dentist says. "OW MUCH!!!" the Yorkshireman exclaims in disbelief "£350 to tek a chuffin tooth 'art! Int there a cheaper way?" "Well," the dentist says, "If I don't use anaesthetic, I can probably do it for about £200. It'll be really painful though!" "I'm not arsed about how painful it'll be but that's still too expensive!" replies the Yorkshireman. "Hmmm," says the dentist, scratching his head. "I could give Leeds Dental hospital a ring and they could probably send a student up to give it a go for some experience. I suppose in that case I could charge you £100." "Nope," moans the yorkshireman, "it's still too much! I'm not med of money!" "Okay," says the dentist. "If I simply just rip the tooth out with a pair of pliers, I can do that for 50 quid?" "Champion," says the Yorkshireman. "Book the wife in for next Tuesday!"
I had something similar happen to me when we lived in France. I had an English car but French number plates and got stopped on our way back from a night out at a roadblock in our local town. I hadn't drunk anything because the local police often used this roadblock tactic and when I got to the front of the queue the Bobby approached my wifes side of the car and on realising it was a rght hand drive his face was an absolute picture, he waved us straight through and shouted to his mate in very good English that was what we were, had a little laugh to myself on the way home.
A confident man strolls into a bar and sits next to a gorgeous woman. After a quick glance at her, he casually checks his watch. Curious, the woman asks, “Waiting for someone ?” “No” he replies “I've just bought this high-tech watch, and I’m testing it out.” Intrigued, she asks “What’s so special about it ?” He grins. “It uses alpha waves to send me telepathic messages.” “Oh really . . . . and what’s it telling you now ?” she teases. He smirks. “It says that you’re not wearing any panties." The woman bursts out laughing and says “Your fancy watch must be broken, then, because I am wearing panties.” The man shakes his head and sighs. “The damn thing must be an hour fast.”
