Off Topic The 'Like' Brothel

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An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender says to him,
"You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it but it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.
One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin.
When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we all used to drink together."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way.
He orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints.
All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says,
"I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your sad loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. It's me......I've quit drinking!"

 

Man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.
The clerks called 9 1 1 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where
he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns
at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to.
A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clip board loaded
with several forms and a pen. She asked him how he was going
to pay for his treatment.
"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments,
asked the irritated nun?
He said, "I only have a spinster sister and she is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly,
"Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Perfect."
"Send the bill to my brother-in-law!!..

 

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A blind man stood by the station every day selling matches for 20p from a tray. A man used to come out of the station each morning and put 20p on the tray but never used to take the matches. One morning he drops 20p on the tray as usual, and as he walks away the blind man shouted: "Excuse me! But are you the man that always puts 20p on my tray but doesn't take any matches" The man said, "Yes, that's me".
The blind man said, "I think you should know that they went up to 30p last week".

 

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morning

 

A young man with his pants hanging half off his arse, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck; walked into the jobcentre
to sign some paperwork.
He marched up to the counter and said,
"Hi. You know, I just H A T E signing on I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage
of the system, getting something for nothing and all that."
The dwp officer behind the counter said,
"Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2015 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say
but you will also have to, as part of your job, satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said,
"You're bullshittin' me!"
The DWP worker said,
"Yeah, well...
You started it." .....

 

I just bought a book on how to stop procrastinating.

I’m going to read it tomorrow…... or possibly the day after…...... maybe next week…

 

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Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, 'I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about.

 

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morning

 

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