Two Scousers are riding along the M62 from Manchester to Liverpool on a motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift. He tells them that he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them. He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave. The scousers put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back with the 20,000 bowling balls, will he take them, so he agrees. They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough PC Plod of Greater Manchester Police pulls him up for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies with sarcasm "Scouse eggs". The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. He rushes back to his cruiser and gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible. The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that he requires so many officers. "I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and the f******s have managed to nick a motorbike already".
I used to work with a lad called Ewan Huzami. Nice man, but always getting into fights for some reason !
My dad just asked me to write down all the people I've ever had sex with. Seventeen pens later... and I still can't spell that one girl's name right
So, prepped for my operation and the aneasthetist says to me do you want gas or a boat paddle. Gas or a boat paddle - what sort of a choice is that? I asked . Apparently it's an ether oar option
Nice bit of common sense. I asked a friend who has crossed 70 and is heading towards 80 what sort of changes he is feeling in himself? He sent me the following: 1 After loving my parents, my siblings, my spouse, my children and my friends, I have now started loving myself. 2 I have realized that I am not “Atlas”. The world does not rest on my shoulders. 3 I have stopped bargaining with vegetable & fruit vendors. A few pennies more is not going to break me, but it might help the poor fellow save for his daughter’s school fees. 4 I leave my waitress a big tip. The extra money might bring a smile to her face. She is toiling much harder for a living than I am. 5 I stopped telling the elderly that they've already narrated that story many times. The story makes them walk down memory lane & relive their past. 6 I have learned not to correct people even when I know they are wrong. The onus of making everyone perfect is not on me. Peace is more precious than perfection. 7 I give compliments freely & generously. Compliments are a mood enhancer not only for the recipient, but also for me. And a small tip for the recipient of a compliment, never, NEVER turn it down, just say "Thank You.” 8 I have learned not to bother about a crease or a spot on my shirt. Personality speaks louder than appearances. 9 I walk away from people who don't value me. They might not know my worth, but I do. 10 I remain cool when someone plays dirty to outrun me in the rat race. I am not a rat & neither am I in any race. 11 I am learning not to be embarrassed by my emotions. It’s my emotions that make me human. 12 I have learned that it's better to drop the ego than to break a relationship. My ego will keep me aloof, whereas with relationships, I will never be alone. 13 I have learned to live each day as if it's the last. After all, it might be the last. 14 I am doing what makes me happy. I am responsible for my happiness, and I owe it to myself. Happiness is a choice. You can be happy at any time, just choose to be! I decided to share this for all my friends. Why do we have to wait to be 60 or 70 or 80, why can't we practice this at any stage and age?
