A woman goes to prison to visit her husband who has just been sentenced to 40 years in jail. As soon as she enters the visiting room, she hugs him and exclaims with tears in her eyes: – “Oh! Roger, 40 years, Roger.?” And the husband replies: “Well, my love, what are you going to do?” “Oh, Roger…! I spoke to the judge handling your case,” “And what did he say, my love?” “He told me that for every time I make love with him, he will reduce your prison sentence by one year…” “What!!! What a miserable bastard and what did you say to that son of a b**ch? ” ” Oh, Roger! We’ll talk about it at home, pick up your stuff, let’s go… !!!”
Today's major news story in BBC's Look North news tonight was that in the "National Public Bog" awards, Lincoln just won the Bus Terminal category. Does anyone know how well the MKM Stadium fared in the professional sports ladies loo facility category ?
That reminded me of something that happened to me whist travelling. When I was in Aberdeen, we would buy steaks from a local farm, who killed and hung his beef, they were fantastic. One time a Japanese customer who bought Mackerel from us came to visit, and we invited him home and had these steaks for dinner. He enjoyed them so much, he said next time you come to Japan can you bring me some. So the next time I went, I packed some in an ice pack, wrapped them well, and put them at the bottom of my suitcase. When I arrived in Tokyo, and was waiting for the luggage they came round with a sniffer dog, and it went straight to my case and went mad. I got hauled into a detention room, and told to open the suitcase, and of course they found what the dog was going crazy about. Luckily they saw the funny side, I gave the guy a couple of steaks and was let go.
Reminded me of going back into Kuwait after a break. Always packed 2 bottles of Scotch, gin, whatever in the suitcase. The immigration man would find them, take one for himself and let you through. Worked nearly all the time!
That must have been some time ago, John. You have to sign a declaration on an arrivals card that you have not brought meat or fruits into the country with you now, and it's a 12 month prison sentence or a large fine if you get caught.
Yes, it was 30 years ago. It was illegal at the time I found out to import meat without a licence, but the customs guy realised it was a gift, and used common sense to the situation.
A husband & wife go visiting a farm. They saw a bull mating with a cow. The wife asked the farm manager. Wife: “How many times does a bull mate a day?” Manager replied: “6 times a day.” The wife looked at her husband and said “…. you see!” Then the husband asked the manager. Husband: “You mean 6 times a day with the same cow?” Manager replied: “No, no, with different cows everyday.” Husband looked at his wife & said: ”….You see!”
Donald Trump suddenly passes away. He arrives at the Pearly Gates and meets Saint Peter. Saint Peter asks. 'Who are you? And what did you do in your life?' Trump, tells him he was the 45th and 47th President of the United States. Saint Peter smiles. 'Well in that case, follow me.' He leads Trump into a building and a corridor containing three rooms. Trump looks in the first room. He sees Abraham Lincoln sitting there writing his Gettysburg address. In the second room Richard Nixon is pacing back and forth and sweating profusely. In the third room Marilyn Monroe is giving President Kennedy a full-on, non-stop continuous Blow Job. Saint Peter turns to Trump. 'You have to choose one of the rooms,' he says. 'No contest. The Kennedy room,' Trump eagerly replies. Saint Peter knocks on the door, opens it and tells Marilyn Monroe she can leave.
Open wide... I'm going to give you an injection now. But don't worry you'll just feel a little prick then everything will go numb... The next procedure can be a bit messy, but if I get any of this paste on your lips my assistant will quickly wipe it off...
