Ring Ring - Welcome to British Gas please choose from the following list of options Beep Thank you - now choose from this list of options Beep Thank you - now please enter your account number Beepity beep beep I'm sorry that number does not register, please try again Beepity beep beep the same number I'm sorry that number does not register, please try again Beepity been beep the same number but slower Please enter your phone number Beep Beep I'm sorry that number is not registered to this account, please try again Beep Beep I'm sorry that number is not registered to this account, please try again Beep Beep Your call is being forwarded to one of our agents Hallo yabbidy bibbidy yabaa dabaaa hep you? Explain reason for call Ank you an momen plea Muzak - 5 minutes Ank you, puddee to udda depamen Muzak - 10 minutes Hallo abidydibidy habba de do hep you? Explain reason for call Ok a momen plea Muzak - 10 minutes Yays, you no wan dis depamen, you wan udda deparmen Yes, as I explained to the last person this is the reason for my call Sari, nee but you to udda deparmen, wan momen plea Mukak - 30 minuts Hallo dank you fa call Beedich Gah how mey a hep you? Start from beginning Oh dat soun lak you nee **** depamen, see if ah can pud you froo Muzak - 20 minutes Hello Mr Grove? My name is John how may I help Explain reason for call Not to worry, I will get on to that for you and please take down my number and email in case you need to get back to me directly. Sorry that you have been passed around like a 9 year old white girl at a Rotherham Taxi driver's convention* have a nice day F***ing British Gas C***s!! * John didn't actually say this but he might as well have
British gas are horrendous, when you eventually get through to a human it's a South African call centre . Me "Sorry what's your name? " BG " Kunta kinte" Me " How do you spell that ? " BG "T O B Y"
VM; Harroo, Virgin Moblie… Me; You’ve sent me txt to say my new sim is in the post. I didn’t order a new sim. VM; yes prease Mr **** Me; I don’t think you understand. I didn’t order a new sim VM; your phone was reported stolen Me; not by me it wasn’t VM; I put you through to security team Greensleeves, endlessly. Finally… VM; Huroo, segurady… More of this ****. Some hours later, I am locked out of my phone because those ****s at Virgin Mobile have gifted the thieves a sim in my name. My phone number - and my Hotmail account, thanks a lot Microsoft you ****s - now both belong to someone else. Which allows the thieves to hack my online banking. Thankfully, NatWest are marginally less **** that Virgin and Microsoft so I’m not personally out of pocket. But many phone calls and much swearing at the internet needed to sort this **** out. The 21st Century is just unbridled crap, a monumental ****show worse than anything dreamed up by writers of sci fi horror from the 1969s.
As a species, we’re finished. The phones have taken over, we just carry them around. Soon as they figure out how to do that without us, we’re in the bin.
Pretty soon human to human conversation will be redundant, you are absolutely right Archie. Any time I phone my energy provider I get so far with the ****ing multitude of options that could bore the arse off a ******ed slug to be finally confronted with "sorry we don't recognise that postcode for this account". Aye, that's ****ing right but you have all my correct details on file and you're more than happy to send mail to my abode with the correct bastarding postcode on it ****ing balloons you ****ing humanoids are, determined to wipe yourselves out one way or another. I await the Mother Ship more and more with each passing day and leave humanoid madness once and for all. Nice weather we've been having recently though so it's not all bad.
You will have course have noticed how super efficient these companies are at taking money off you every month. They can always get that bit right.
Yup I was late with a monthly payment recently and by **** they wouldn't stop ****ing pressing me with reminder after reminder within 3 days threatening all sorts. 1 reminder came in the post (complete with the correct postcode that mysteriously doesn't tally with my account number) ****ing clownshoes the lot of them.
